SEPTEMBER 22, 1973

Full News Archive

• Headline: Cohu, Inc. Directors Maintain Control. Impact: The decision to maintain control led to a chain reaction of crony capitalism that ultimately resulted in a series of boardroom battles and the creation of reality TV shows about corporate takeovers. Who knew watching rich people squabble over money could be so entertaining?. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more stable than corporate directors is their ability to dodge accountability like it's an Olympic sport.
• Headline: Caution Urged on Campaign Spending Reforms. Impact: By hesitating on campaign spending reforms, Congress inadvertently paved the way for the rise of super PACs, which sound like something out of a superhero movie but are just rich folks throwing cash at their favorite candidates. Thanks, Congress!. Fact: Did you know that Congress moves slower than a sloth on sedatives? Haste is clearly not in their vocabulary.
• Headline: Democrats Form Delegate Selection Panel. Impact: This panel's formation led to a never-ending cycle of delegate selection debates, which ultimately inspired a documentary series titled 'Who Wants to Be a Delegate?' – because nothing says entertainment like political process. Fact: In a shocking twist, the panelists named to this committee were actually just trying to avoid having to watch another reality show.
• Headline: U.S., Rumania Sign Pact. Impact: The signing of this pact triggered a surprising influx of Romanian ideas into U.S. tech, which eventually led to the invention of the 'Romanian Hot Dog' – not a hot dog at all, but a tech startup that went bankrupt in two weeks. Fact: Did you know that diplomatic pacts are basically like signing a friendship bracelet but with a lot more paperwork and fewer craft supplies?.
• Headline: Tokyo and Hanoi Open Formal Ties. Impact: Establishing these ties allowed Japan to flex its diplomatic muscles in Southeast Asia, leading to a future where sushi became the default cuisine of choice in every hipster café across America. Fact: Fun fact: The last time Tokyo and Hanoi had formal ties, they were probably just sharing a really awkward silence over tea.
• Headline: U.S. Panel to Weigh Peril Of Cancer From Meats. Impact: This advisory committee's formation led to a nationwide panic about hot dogs, resulting in a health trend where people started eating kale chips while pretending they actually liked them. Fact: In an ironic twist, the more we study cured meats, the more they seem to be the only thing keeping society together. Who knew?.
• Headline: Crime Charges by Marchi Decried by Running Mate. Impact: This public spat between running mates sent shockwaves through NYC politics, leading to a future where candidates began hiring PR firms just to manage their public disagreements. Fact: Running mates are like a bad marriage: if you can’t stand each other in public, what are you doing on the same ticket?.
• Headline: Inquiry on Possible Crime Tie To Daley and Aides Asked. Impact: This inquiry opened the proverbial can of worms, inspiring future politicians to invest heavily in 'not getting caught' strategies, thus giving rise to the term 'creative accounting.'. Fact: The only thing more tangled than Chicago's political ties is their spaghetti. And trust me, no one is getting a fork.
• Headline: ‘She Played Too Well,’ Says Riggs of Mrs King. Impact: Riggs's lament became a rallying cry for underdogs everywhere, leading to a future where it became socially acceptable to blame your failures on someone else's talent – thanks, Riggs!. Fact: Did you know that sports commentary has evolved into a fine art of making excuses? Riggs was just ahead of his time in that regard.