SEPTEMBER 12, 1973

Full News Archive

• Headline: Senior Arrested in Harlem Drug Case. Impact: If Mrs. J Ambrister hadn't been arrested, she might have started a trend of senior citizens running drug empires, leading to a new reality show: 'Grannies Gone Wild: The Drug Wars.'. Fact: Did you know that at 73, Mrs. Ambrister was probably the oldest drug dealer on the block? Talk about a late-life career change!.
• Headline: Farmers Demand End to Price Controls. Impact: The call to end federal price controls could have led to a meat shortage so severe that people would have started bartering with their pets for steaks. Fido might have been worth a brisket!. Fact: Ironically, the only thing being controlled more than farm prices at the time was the number of times farmers complained about it..
• Headline: Dogs Detect Hashish on Ocean Liner France. Impact: Thanks to the dog sniffing out hashish, a whole new generation of dogs might have considered careers in law enforcement, leading to a canine-led police force where barking was the new 'stop' command.. Fact: Fun fact: The dogs were probably just as surprised as the agents when they found their stash—turns out they were just looking for treats!.
• Headline: S.E.C. Clears a Rate Rise In Brokerage Commissions. Impact: Increasing brokerage commissions could have inadvertently led to a mass exodus of investors to the world of competitive knitting, thereby creating a lucrative market for yarn.. Fact: Because nothing says 'investment strategy' quite like paying more for the privilege of paying more!.
• Headline: JUNTA IN CHARGE. Impact: The death of a junta leader could have sparked a wave of revolutionary leaders who were really, really bad at their jobs, leading to a long series of comically inept regimes.. Fact: In a tragic twist, this event might have been the catalyst for a series of poorly executed coups that were more like sitcoms than serious political moves..
• Headline: Metropolitan Briefs. Impact: The random shooting could have led to a heightened sense of paranoia in the area, prompting citizens to carry their own popcorn in case they needed to watch the next episode of 'Life in Harlem' unfold.. Fact: It's fascinating how a night out can go from drinks to dodging bullets in seconds—truly a night to remember… or forget!.
• Headline: 3 ARAB LEADERS CONTINUE PARLEY. Impact: The talks between Arab leaders could have inadvertently united the Palestinian resistance, leading to a new world order where soccer became the main diplomatic tool. Who needs negotiations when you can have a penalty shootout?. Fact: It's almost like they were playing a game of diplomatic chess, but with way more drama and fewer pawns!.
• Headline: Cadet Committee at West Point Does Away With ‘The Silence’. Impact: By discontinuing 'The Silence,' West Point may have opened the floodgates to a new wave of cadets who thought 'honor' was just a suggestion, leading to a military full of rebel rousers.. Fact: This decision probably led to more gossip than a high school cafeteria—who knew cadets were so chatty?.
• Headline: CONNECTICUT ACTS TO BAR ‘GAS’ RISE. Impact: If Connecticut succeeded in rolling back gas prices, it might have ignited a nationwide trend of states trying to outdo each other in gas price wars, leading to a new sport: Gas Price Wrestling.. Fact: Interestingly, this was probably the most action happening in Connecticut at the time—sorry, Yale!.
• Headline: AIDE REPORTS HAITI FOILED AN INCURSION. Impact: Foiling the incursion could have created a new trend of guerrilla warfare tourism, where thrill-seekers could sign up to 'experience' what it was like to be a guerrilla in Haiti—because who wouldn't want that?. Fact: The irony of thwarting an incursion might have made Haiti a hotbed for 'adventure-seekers' who were really just looking for a good Instagram story..