JULY 26, 1973

Full News Archive

• Headline: White House Fund on the Chopping Block. Impact: The abolition of the White House fund created a vacuum so deep that an alternate timeline emerged where Nixon never got caught, leading to an alternate universe where the Watergate scandal was just a quirky trivia question on a game show.. Fact: In the same year, a record number of people were confused about the difference between 'executive orders' and 'executive orders from a pizza place.'.
• Headline: Youth Corps Bill Rally in 1975. Impact: The expansion of the Youth Corps from 3,500 to 150,000 youths inadvertently leads to a future where kids are now running for president, with campaigns focusing on TikTok popularity rather than actual qualifications.. Fact: Did you know the Youth Conservation Corps once considered using teenagers as human recycling bins? Just kidding, but they did try to get them to pick up litter..
• Headline: Presidential Powers Debate at Watergate Hearings. Impact: The clash over presidential powers set off a chain reaction that eventually leads to an explosion of political memes and a thriving industry of pop psychology books attempting to explain why lawyers and politicians argue.. Fact: Fun fact: Ervin once argued about the powers of a salad dressing before Congress. Spoiler: It was a vinaigrette..
• Headline: Zwach Won't Run Again. Impact: By retiring, Rep. Zwach inadvertently sparked a wave of political retirements, leading to the world's shortest game of 'musical chairs' in Congress, which ended with only cats being elected.. Fact: Zwach's retirement is often celebrated by his constituents as the beginning of a 'no drama' era, which lasted about six minutes..
• Headline: U.S. ADMITS IT HAS AIDES IN CAMBODIA. Impact: The admission of U.S. aides in Cambodia led to a secret military initiative that would ultimately inspire a hit movie about a group of civilians turned secret agents, starring a young Brad Pitt.. Fact: Ironically, the U.S. had more 'aides' in Cambodia than actual solutions for the situation. Who knew bureaucracy could be so popular?.
• Headline: A Family Argument Over Salary Rises Divides the Senate. Impact: The Senate's argument over salary rises became a historical precedent for future politicians to argue over who gets the biggest slice of the pie while the rest of the country fights over crumbs.. Fact: Senators arguing over their pay is like watching millionaires argue over who gets the bigger yacht. Spoiler: They all get yachts..
• Headline: Soviet Crackdown Deplored by Boll, Nobel Prize Writer. Impact: H Boll's criticism of the Soviet crackdown sparked a cultural revolution, leading to a future where writing workshops are mandatory in all dictatorships to avoid bad press.. Fact: H Boll may have won a Nobel Prize, but he never received an award for 'Most Likely to Upset a Dictator.'.
• Headline: EX‐AIR SECRETARY DISCLAIMS A ROLE IN SECRET BOMBING. Impact: The ex-Air Secretary's testimony about the military operations exclusion dramatically shifted the blame, creating a timeline where nobody knew who to blame for anything ever again.. Fact: Turns out the military chain of command had more loopholes than Swiss cheese; maybe that's why they were so 'cheesy' in their operations..
• Headline: Marseilles To Build Subway. Impact: The subway construction in Marseilles eventually led to an elaborate underground network, resulting in a future where people are living in subways due to gentrification above ground.. Fact: Marseilles’ subway system was so well-planned that it was rumored to have more stops than the average politician's campaign promises..
• Headline: A MIDEAST DRAFT IS OFFERED IN U.N.. Impact: The Mideast draft proposal in the UN led to an unintended consequences timeline where diplomacy became a competitive sport, complete with scoreboards and fanfare.. Fact: The only thing more confusing than the Mideast drafts are the drafts for every movie that tries to explain it. Spoiler: They all flop..