JUNE 8, 1973

Full News Archive

• Headline: Trash Burning Proposal in NYC. Impact: If NYC had gone ahead and burned trash in Con Ed's boilers, we might have seen a future where we all wore 'I love the smell of burning rubbish in the morning' t-shirts. Environmentalists would have had to find a new hobby, and we'd likely be sipping our coffee from recycled ash mugs.. Fact: Did you know that burning trash is only slightly less controversial than burning books? And just as effective at starting debates!.
• Headline: Astronauts Successfully Deploy Skylab's Solar Wing. Impact: The successful freeing of Skylab's power wing might have sparked a future where astronauts are seen as the ultimate handymen, leading to a surge in DIY space repair kits. Imagine ordering one on Amazon Prime and having it delivered to your moon base.. Fact: Did you know that Capt Conrad's original radio message was much longer but was cut short due to space bandwidth issues? Turns out, space has its own version of dial-up!.
• Headline: NYSE Directors Vote on Controversial Policy Change. Impact: The NYSE's attempt to rescind the rule might have ultimately led to a world where stock trading is done with interpretive dance. Imagine Wall Street brokers in tutus, dramatically expressing market trends.. Fact: Did you know that financial meetings have the same excitement level as watching paint dry? They should really consider hiring a clown for entertainment..
• Headline: HALDEMAN DENIES A KEY ROLE IN '70. Impact: Haldeman's denial might have inadvertently led to a future where all government officials have to wear body cams during meetings. Because, you know, transparency is the new black.. Fact: Did you know that 'I was just a conduit' is the political equivalent of 'the dog ate my homework'? Classic excuse!.
• Headline: Excerpts From Transcript of Testimony Before Senate's Watergate Committee. Impact: The Watergate testimony might have led to a future where all public hearings are conducted via reality TV format, complete with dramatic music and commercial breaks.. Fact: Did you know that the Watergate hearings were the original 'Game of Thrones'? Just with less dragons and more paperwork..
• Headline: Nixon Names Kelley for F.B.I.; Senate Confirmation Expected. Impact: Nixon naming Kelley for the FBI might have created a future where every FBI Director is chosen based on their ability to solve riddles. 'What walks on four legs in the morning…?'. Fact: Did you know that the FBI director position is like a really intense game of musical chairs? Except no one wants to be the last one standing..
• Headline: SOVIET'S EXPORTS OF OIL SHOW DROI. Impact: The USSR's oil export issues could have caused a global shortage, leading to a future where everyone drives around in pedal-powered cars. A real throwback to the Stone Age!. Fact: Did you know that the USSR's oil crisis could have been solved if only they had discovered solar energy? But, you know, that whole 'being stuck in the past' thing..