APRIL 29, 1973

Full News Archive

• Headline: MIT Crew Triumphs in 3D Goes Trophy. Impact: The disqualification of Cornell could have led to a series of unfortunate events where MIT's crew became the new 'bad boys' of rowing, spawning a trend of rebellious rowers across the nation, ultimately culminating in a reality show called 'Rowing with the Stars.'. Fact: Winning trophies is great, but did you know that disqualification can be the real win if it leads to a dramatic plot twist? Hollywood's taking notes!.
• Headline: 2 LATIN COUNTRIES IN BORDER DISPUTE. Impact: The tense dispute might have inspired a future generation of diplomats to take up competitive sports to settle international conflicts, leading to the Olympic Games where border disputes are settled through interpretive dance.. Fact: When countries argue over oil, it’s usually not just about the oil. It’s about who gets to make the best memes about it later!.
• Headline: David Rabe Still Has Work to Do. Impact: If David Rabe's play hadn’t been produced, the entire trajectory of American theatre might have shifted to more mundane subjects, like the daily life of a stapler or the existential crisis of a paperclip, leading to a dark age of boredom.. Fact: The Orphan? Sounds like a great title for a play about an orphaned sock looking for its match. Rabe's got competition!.
• Headline: Welfare Study. Minimizes Impact of Migrant Blacks. Impact: Had the welfare study not minimized the impact, it could have spurred a national debate over the definition of poverty, leading to a bizarre trend where people started competing for the title of the 'Most Underprivileged' in a reality show format.. Fact: Statistics can be as slippery as a greased pig at a county fair, especially when they start minimizing issues like poverty..
• Headline: In Praise of Windmills, Victims of a World They Helped Create. Impact: The dwindling number of windmills may have led to a modern-day windmill renaissance where hipsters start restoring them for artisanal flour production, inadvertently sparking a gluten-free craze across the nation.. Fact: Windmills are basically the original renewable energy sources—except they don’t come with a side of eco-guilt. Who knew they had so much history!.
• Headline: FRED FREEMAN. Impact: The lack of context around Fred Freeman could lead to a series of conspiracy theories regarding his identity, causing historians of the future to write a blockbuster novel about the mysterious 'Freeman Files.'. Fact: Sometimes, the most intriguing headlines are about people with names that sound like they could be either a superhero or a sidekick. Guess which one Freeman is!.
• Headline: THEODORE H. MALMUD. Impact: The mention of Theodore H. Malmud might have inspired a future historian to dig into the life of every Theodore, leading to a bizarre trend of Theodore-themed conventions. The world could have been overrun by Theodores!. Fact: Theodore is a name that’s been around since forever. So, if you ever need a historical figure to blame, just pick a Theodore!.