APRIL 21, 1973

Full News Archive

• Headline: Apartment Workers Postpone Strike Action. Impact: If the workers had actually gone on strike, NYC might have been forced to invent a new currency based entirely on rent control, leading to the rise of a black market for living spaces. Welcome to the 'Apartment Dollar' – where a studio could cost you your firstborn.. Fact: Rent strikes are like the world's worst game of Monopoly, except nobody gets a 'Get Out of Jail Free' card..
• Headline: NY Aquarium Fish Hall Unveils New Exhibits. Impact: The reopening of the aquarium led to an explosion in marine biology majors, resulting in the rise of underwater karaoke bars. Who knew fish could be such good listeners?. Fact: The only thing fish find more interesting than sea caves? Human karaoke nights. They still won't attend, though. Too fishy for their taste..
• Headline: UNION HEAD SHUNS CEMETERY INQUIRY. Impact: By shunning the cemetery inquiry, the union head inadvertently opened a portal to the afterlife where disgruntled spirits now haunt the city council meetings. Ghosts of negotiations past, anyone?. Fact: Ignoring subpoenas is a great way to ensure your afterlife is filled with regret. Just ask any ghost in a cemetery!.
• Headline: ‘FULLY BD FREELY’. Impact: Mitchell’s grand jury appearance led to a series of conspiracy theories that inspired a generation of amateur detectives. Today, every coffee shop has a corner dedicated to 'conspiracy latte' discussions.. Fact: The only thing more suspect than the actions of politicians? The coffee you get at those conspiracy theory meetings. It's always decaf..
• Headline: Ft. Deveris Pupils Barred at Schools In Rift on U.S. Aid. Impact: The closure of schools at Fort Devens turned into a national debate about education funding, ultimately resulting in educational horror stories that made parents wish they could home-school in a bunker.. Fact: When it comes to school funding, the only thing scarier than a rift is the thought of your kid’s lunch being a soggy PB&J..
• Headline: 2 Frogmen Seized As Drug Smugglers. Impact: The arrest of frogmen for drug smuggling highlighted the absurdity of smuggling methods, leading to a subsequent rise in ocean-themed crime dramas. The next hit show? 'Frogmen Undercover: The Reef Chronicles.'. Fact: Frogmen are great at smuggling… until they realize the only thing they can transport is bad puns..
• Headline: Nuclear Device Recovered. Impact: The recovery of the nuclear density scanner sparked a new wave of paranoia about radiation, leading to the invention of the 'Nuclear Detector' app – because who doesn’t want a dose of anxiety in their pocket?. Fact: Radiation is like that one friend who shows up uninvited – always lurking and often unwelcome..
• Headline: Pilot Who Tried to Kill Lon Nol Tells Story in Peking. Impact: The Cambodian pilot's failed assassination attempt introduced a new genre of historical fiction, leading to a blockbuster film franchise. Spoiler alert: the plane always lands safely in China.. Fact: Attempted assassinations are just one way to get a free trip; the travel insurance is the real kicker..