APRIL 17, 1973

Full News Archive

• Headline: G.I. Search Unit Ready. Impact: This search unit's formation inadvertently sparked a new wave of conspiracy theorist podcasts. Listeners were convinced the missing servicemen were actually in a secret underground civilization where they were kings—because, you know, that’s a logical theory. Fact: The term 'missing in action' was officially coined during this era, a phrase that has since been used to describe lost sock situations in households everywhere.
• Headline: The Missing Newsmen. Impact: The fate of the missing newsmen became a subject of endless speculation, leading to the founding of several investigative journalism schools that taught students how to avoid getting captured—an important life skill in today's world. Fact: The term 'missing' is often used in journalism but was actually first used in dating profiles, ironically by people who were very much present but just emotionally unavailable.
• Headline: 2 INDIAN LEADERS DENY U.S. CHARGES. Impact: The fire at Coates' ranch ignited a chain reaction of ranchers investing in fire-proof barns and creating a new tech startup dedicated to cattle GPS tracking—because nothing says 'secure your assets' like high-tech bovines. Fact: This incident led to the first-ever cattle insurance policy that covered arson, which then inspired a series of 'how to start a fire and blame the neighbors' workshops.
• Headline: Ellsberg Asserts He Acted To Prod Congress on War. Impact: Ellsberg's assertion sparked a legal debate that spiraled into an entire genre of courtroom dramas, leading to the rise of 'lawyer movies' where everyone is always either guilty or misunderstood—never just average citizens. Fact: Ellsberg’s act of disclosing the Pentagon Papers actually inspired a whole generation of whistleblowers, most of whom were just trying to avoid awkward small talk at family gatherings.
• Headline: Chavez's Followers Picket Grape Fields In Teamster Dispute. Impact: Chavez's grape picketing ignited a nationwide movement, leading to an annual 'Grape Festival' where people celebrate by throwing grapes at one another, believing it to honor the struggle for workers' rights—because nothing says 'activism' like a food fight. Fact: The grape-picking protests were so iconic they inspired a new cocktail called 'The Picket Line,' which is just grape juice with a splash of protest.