APRIL 15, 1973

Full News Archive

• Headline: C Barnes Comments on Sleeping Beauty. Impact: If this production of Sleeping Beauty hadn't been Amer-financed, we might have ended up with a version featuring a talking raccoon as the prince. Thank you, economics!. Fact: Did you know that the original fairy tale featured a not-so-happy ending? It seems even fairytales have their off days..
• Headline: John Lionberger Davis Passes Away at 94. Impact: John Lionberger Davis’s passing caused a ripple effect in the art world, prompting one too many 'who will fill the shoes?' discussions that led to a very awkward art gala featuring sock puppets.. Fact: At 94, he was probably the best-dressed ghost at the art exhibits. Art collectors just can't stop collecting, even in the afterlife!.
• Headline: The Shift in Hollywood Stardom. Impact: The critique of today's un-idolized stars led to a secret Hollywood initiative to create mythological backgrounds for every actor. Expect to see biopics on the life of a lamp post soon.. Fact: Hollywood has a long history of making mountains out of molehills, or in this case, minor actors into demigods. Just ask any 'star' with an Instagram following..
• Headline: Medicine. Impact: Nuclear-powered pacemakers? If only they had known that this would lead to a future where everyone would have a mini nuclear reactor in their chest. Just what we need—more reasons to panic.. Fact: The first pacemaker was developed in 1958 and powered by batteries. It's like upgrading from a flip phone to a nuclear-powered smartphone—only slightly less terrifying..
• Headline: Black Swim Club Aims at Olympics. Impact: The rise of the Finmen Swim Club aimed at the Olympics created a splash that led to an unexpected increase in pool parties across America, with competitions now revolving around who can hold their breath the longest while scrolling through TikTok.. Fact: Swimming was once considered a punishment in ancient Greece. Now, it’s a competitive sport and a great way to avoid doing your taxes!.
• Headline: Dr. H. McLeod Riggins Is Dead. Impact: Dr. Riggins’s death prompted a nationwide search for a new 'Dr. Who,' leading to countless debates over who fits the role best—turns out, it was a cat all along.. Fact: Riggins had a reputation for being a brilliant doctor, but I guess it just wasn't enough to escape the inevitable fate we all face..
• Headline: The Fall Of America. Impact: The review of 'The Fall of America' led to a rise in coffee shop discussions about existential dread and an uptick in the consumption of overpriced avocado toast. Thanks, Ginsberg.. Fact: Allen Ginsberg's works are so impactful that even his grocery list probably caused a cultural shift towards artisanal produce..
• Headline: Canarsie School Vote Hotly Contested. Impact: The contested school vote caused a chain reaction of political debates, leading to an unexpected reality show called 'Real School Board Members of Brooklyn.' Spoiler alert: it's not pretty.. Fact: 341 candidates for 108 seats? That's not a competition, that's a musical chairs game gone wildly out of control..
• Headline: 61 Go to the Orient For Garden Tour. Impact: 61 people going to the Orient for a garden tour created a chain of botanical envy that led to the rise of hipster plant shops across America. Now, everyone has a snake plant named 'Sir Sprout' in their living room.. Fact: Garden tours were once seen as the epitome of leisure. Now, they're just a way to flaunt your superior horticulture skills on social media..