APRIL 3, 1973

Full News Archive

• Headline: Jewish Student Communes on College Campuses. Impact: As students banded together in communes, they inadvertently laid the groundwork for future hipster enclaves, where avocado toast and artisanal bagels would reign supreme, ultimately leading to the rise of overpriced brunch spots everywhere.. Fact: Did you know that communal living can sometimes lead to existential crises over who doesn't wash the dishes? It's a real bonding experience!.
• Headline: Celebrating Theater Excellence: M Jones Award. Impact: The awarding of the M Jones Award caused a ripple effect in theater, inspiring future artistic directors to create even more pretentious plays that no one really understood but everyone pretended to appreciate.. Fact: Fun fact: Theater is the only place where you can pay to watch people pretend to be someone else while you pretend to enjoy it!.
• Headline: American Can Co. Sells Mill to Weyerhaeuser. Impact: This sale marked the beginning of a long-standing love affair between corporations and paper mills, leading to an endless supply of 'urgent' memos and 'important' reports that no one reads.. Fact: Did you know that paper was once so valuable that people used it to wrap fish? Now it's just used to wrap excuses!.
• Headline: Advertising: Motorcycle Time. Impact: The appointment of S S Sachs as vp of direct marketing heralded a new era of motorcycle enthusiasts taking over the roads, leading to a significant increase in loud noises and leather jackets in suburban neighborhoods.. Fact: Did you know that motorcycles are basically the adult version of riding a tricycle, but with more leather and fewer safety precautions?.
• Headline: Research Voyage Finds Atlantic Ocean ‘Breathes’. Impact: The discovery that the Atlantic Ocean 'breathes' sparked a global panic about climate change, leading to a series of environmental movements that only got louder as people realized the ocean had better lungs than they did.. Fact: Interesting tidbit: The ocean has been breathing for millennia, which is more than we can say for some of our politicians!.
• Headline: MEDICAL CENTERS OVER DRIVE VOTED. Impact: The construction of medical facilities over FDR Drive eventually inspired urban planners to dream of building entire cities in the sky, where people could live in glass boxes and complain about the view.. Fact: Did you know that building over roads is a great way to ensure that traffic jams are literally right outside your window?.
• Headline: 34 Saved as Freighter Sinks. Impact: The rescue of the crew of the Silver Dove became a legendary tale of heroism, inspiring generations of future sailors to believe they could survive anything, even their own poor decision-making.. Fact: In maritime lore, it's said that every time a freighter sinks, a sailor gets their wings... or at least a life vest..