MARCH 31, 1973

Full News Archive

• Headline: Governor Egan's Criticism of Air Guard. Impact: This chiding incident led to a cosmic chain reaction where the Alaska Air Guard, feeling embarrassed, decided to invest in a new fleet of aircraft. This fleet eventually became the first to have a dedicated ‘sightseeing’ service for tourists, inadvertently boosting Alaska’s economy and leading to a dramatic increase in the number of tourists who now believe they can outrun moose on foot. Fact: The Alaska Air Guard once had a 'mystery flight' program where they would just fly around aimlessly, but thankfully, they were eventually grounded due to lack of a destination—much like many people's career paths.
• Headline: Muskie to Address Nixon's Food Price Claims. Impact: Senator Muskie's response to Nixon's speech became a pivotal moment, leading to a strange, time-looped scenario where every politician since then has felt the need to respond to every presidential utterance—regardless of importance—creating an endless cycle of political noise. Fact: Muskie’s speech was so impactful that it inspired an entire generation of politicians to find new and creative ways to say absolutely nothing—something they excel at today!.
• Headline: Thieu's Diplomatic Mission to Nixon. Impact: Thieu's quest for Nixon's assurances resulted in a diplomatic miscommunication that sent shockwaves through the political landscape of Southeast Asia, ultimately leading to a series of secret handshakes that would later inspire a popular dance move called the 'Saigon Shuffle.'. Fact: Thieu was so focused on getting assurances that he forgot to pack his sunscreen for the trip—leading to some unfortunate tan lines that historians now refer to as the 'Vietnamese Presidential Burn.'.
• Headline: Sadat's New Powers: Image of a Man Clearing the Deck. Impact: Sadat's consolidation of power resulted in a butterfly effect where 'power-hungry leaders' became a trend, leading to a worldwide phenomenon where every aspiring dictator felt the need to accumulate unnecessary titles, thus complicating government forms forever. Fact: Nasser was so bewildered by Sadat’s power grab that he considered taking up knitting to cope with his feelings of inadequacy, but ultimately decided to stick with politics—thankfully avoiding a whole new trend in fashion.
• Headline: Questions and Answers Concerning Meat Prices. Impact: The public outcry over meat prices sent shockwaves through the economy, prompting a bizarre series of events where 'meatless Mondays' became a national movement, inadvertently leading to the rise of tofu-based meat substitutes and people pretending to enjoy them. Fact: Nixon's price ceilings were so popular that they sparked a nationwide competition to determine who could come up with the most creative excuse for not eating meat—an event that eventually led to the creation of veganism, or as it was first called, 'I’ll just have the salad, thanks.'.
• Headline: TAIWAN REJECTS ANY SOVIET TIES. Impact: Taiwan's rejection of Soviet ties inadvertently set off a chain reaction where other nations began to reconsider their alliances, leading to the creation of the ‘Friendship Pact’ which, ironically, was just a list of countries that agreed not to have awkward dinners together. Fact: The Taiwan government was so paranoid about Soviet ties that they even rejected a proposal for a joint cooking class, believing that mixing recipes could somehow lead to a communist uprising—because, you know, egg rolls are serious business.
• Headline: Soviet Accuses U.S. of Role in '67 War. Impact: The Soviet accusations against the U.S. created a spiraling mistrust that eventually led to the invention of the phrase 'fake news,' which is still being thrown around today—mostly by people who think reading a headline counts as research. Fact: The author of the documentary novel was later accused of being too fictional, leading to the creation of a new genre called 'historical maybe-fictions,' which is basically history with a side of imagination.