MARCH 6, 1973

Full News Archive

• Headline: Mrs. Meir Envisions Middle East Peace. Impact: If Mrs. Meir's optimism had been contagious, perhaps we would have a time where Middle Eastern peace was as common as a Starbucks on every corner. Alas, time travel reveals the coffee was just a distraction.. Fact: Did you know that the Middle East has been seeking peace longer than most of us have been seeking a good Wi-Fi connection?.
• Headline: Court Blocks Madison Avenue Pedestrian Mall. Impact: This ruling likely prevented a massive pedestrian mall that could have turned Madison Ave into Disneyland, where shoppers would fight over overpriced artisanal pickles instead of actual rights.. Fact: Fun fact: 'Monumental changes in physical and economic existence' is just a fancy way of saying 'We don't want this area to look like a theme park.'.
• Headline: SUDAN IS PLANNING TO TRY GUERRILLAS FOR CAPITAL CRIME. Impact: This trial could have set a precedent for international law, potentially leading to a future where guerrilla warfare is treated more like a courtroom drama than a battlefield. Spoiler alert: It didn't go that way.. Fact: The 'Black September' group sounds like a really bad band name, but it was actually a tragic chapter in history..
• Headline: U.S.S. Midway Returns. Impact: The return of the Midway could have sparked a renaissance of naval pride, leading to a future where every American city had its own aircraft carrier on display as a tourist attraction. Talk about a unique selfie spot!. Fact: The USS Midway was once the largest ship in the world, proving that size does matter... at least when it comes to aircraft carriers..
• Headline: THALER CONVICTION UPHELD ON APPEAL. Impact: Thaler's case may have inspired a new genre of crime dramas, where the protagonist is a corrupt politician who gets caught in a web of his own lies. Spoiler: they never learn.. Fact: Selling $250,000 worth of stolen government securities is the equivalent of trying to sell a used car that doesn't exist. Good luck with that!.
• Headline: High Court Affirms El Paso Divestiture; 15‐Year Fight Ends. Impact: This long battle could have influenced future corporate mergers, setting a standard for lengthy legal dramas that make lawyers richer and consumers poorer. Yay for capitalism!. Fact: The 15-year fight over divestiture could have been a great reality TV show, but alas, the ratings just wouldn't have kept up..
• Headline: EXPERT DESCRIBES LUNAR CATACLYSM. Impact: The discussion of lunar science could have led to the discovery of alien life or, at the very least, a new series of sci-fi blockbuster films about moon-based disasters and intergalactic travel.. Fact: 700 scientists gathered to discuss the moon—imagine the amount of caffeine consumed during that conference!.