MARCH 4, 1973

Full News Archive

• Headline: Innovative Building Relocation Techniques. Impact: If Emmett Drake & Sons Inc. hadn't existed, we might have ended up with a lot of very confused historical buildings awkwardly standing in the wrong neighborhoods, leading to a crisis in architectural identity. Can you imagine the chaos of a Victorian house plopped in the middle of a strip mall?. Fact: Did you know that moving buildings can be just as complicated as moving your in-laws? Just ask the poor souls who have to deal with all the permits..
• Headline: Tourism Benefits for Caribbean Islanders. Impact: This effort to share tourism benefits could have led to a utopian paradise where islanders live off the wealth of tourists. Instead, it just created a vicious cycle of resort development and overpriced souvenirs. Thanks for nothing!. Fact: Did you know that the only thing worse than being a tourist is being a local who has to deal with them? The struggle is real!.
• Headline: Blumenthal Secures New Dem Coalition's Endorsement. Impact: Had Blumenthal not secured the coalition's backing, we might have ended up with a completely different chief judge, possibly someone who thought 'justice' was just a fancy word for a new cocktail.. Fact: Did you know that political endorsements are basically the adult version of being picked first for kickball? Only slightly less exciting..
• Headline: Hunterdon Acquiring Preserve For a Park. Impact: Hunterdon County's initiative to acquire land for preservation could have inspired a nationwide movement, leading to a future where cities are just expansive parks, and all the real estate agents are out of jobs. A true dystopia.. Fact: Did you know that buying land to prevent development is like buying a fancy cake and putting it in a glass case? It's just sitting there, untouched and sad..
• Headline: ROBERT P. NOBLE. Impact: Robert P. Noble's passing marked the end of an era, but it also opened up a slot for someone else to take the stage. Thus, the cycle of replacing the wise old sage with a fresh-faced rookie continues, like the inevitable rotation of a sitcom cast.. Fact: Did you know that living to 92 means you've survived more than just your own life choices? That's a whole lot of history to carry!.
• Headline: SIDNEY LEICHTER. Impact: Sidney Leichter's existence may have seemed insignificant, but every life is a thread in the vast tapestry of history. His absence could have caused a rip in the fabric of time, or at least a mildly awkward family reunion.. Fact: Did you know that we often remember people for their quirks? If only we had a quirk to remember about Sidney Leichter!.
• Headline: Montclair State Girls Win. Impact: The Montclair State girls' victory could have sparked a national obsession with women's sports, leading to a future where female athletes are celebrated like rock stars. Instead, we still have to fight for equal pay. Yay progress!. Fact: Did you know that winning a championship is just the universe's way of saying, 'Congratulations, now go deal with the inevitable post-victory hangover!'.
• Headline: U.S. Medical Team to Visit Hanoi to Study Need for Aid. Impact: The U.S. medical team's visit to Hanoi might have changed the course of postwar rehabilitation, paving the way for a new era of cooperation. Or, it might have just resulted in awkward conversations about how to eat pho without slurping.. Fact: Did you know that visiting a war-torn country to assess needs can be a bit like visiting your ex to discuss unresolved feelings? It's complicated..
• Headline: WORLD OF SEVENTH AVE.. Impact: Handmacher-Vogel's reestablishment as a women's suit maker could have led to a fashion revolution, influencing everything from boardroom attire to Saturday brunch outfits. Because who doesn't want to look sharp while ordering avocado toast?. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more daunting than making a suit is finding a matching pair of shoes? Fashion is hard, man..