JANUARY 25, 1973

Full News Archive

• Headline: Mrs. Bernheim Elected Community Council President. Impact: If Mrs. Bernheim hadn't been elected, it’s possible that the entire feminist movement would have taken a detour through a wormhole, leading to a timeline where unicorns are the primary mode of transportation.. Fact: Did you know Mrs. Bernheim was known for her famous quote, 'I hope my term isn't just a long, boring council meeting'? Spoiler: It wasn’t..
• Headline: Historic Vietnam Cease-Fire Agreement. Impact: Had the Vietnam cease-fire not been signed, we might have all been speaking fluent Vietnamese by now, making TikTok dances significantly more complex.. Fact: Kissinger and Le Duc Tho’s handshake was so powerful, it allegedly created a ripple effect that caused every subsequent diplomatic handshake to be awkwardly prolonged..
• Headline: U.S. Envoy in Haiti Freed from Captors. Impact: The release of C E Knox triggered an unexpected surge in diplomacy, which later led to the creation of a new genre of 'hostage negotiation romantic comedies' in Hollywood.. Fact: The 20 hours Knox spent with his captors were later revealed to be the most productive hours of his career – they discussed everything from art to the price of avocados..
• Headline: U.S. Foreign Trade Deficit Topped $6‐Billion in 1972. Impact: The U.S. trade deficit spiraling out of control is like that one friend at a buffet – they just keep piling on the food, and eventually, everyone has to pay the price.. Fact: If only the U.S. had invested in a crystal ball back then, they could have seen that the deficit would never just 'fix itself'..
• Headline: Impact of Paris Accord on Prisoners, Armed Forces and Politics in Indochina. Impact: The Paris Accord’s ripple effect was like shooting a rubber band across the room – it may have seemed harmless, but it eventually snapped back and hit everyone in the face.. Fact: The discussions for the release of prisoners were so intense that they could have easily been mistaken for a high-stakes poker game..
• Headline: Blacks Re‐elect Stokes. Impact: Stokes’ re-election became a pivotal moment that inspired future politicians to adopt the mantra, 'If at first you don’t succeed, try running again... and again.'. Fact: Stokes once joked that his main competition was the couch during election season – at least the couch was reliable!.
• Headline: Many Offices to Shut In Honor of Johnson. Impact: The day off in honor of Johnson led to an unexpected national holiday for procrastinators – it was the birth of 'National Avoid Work Day'.. Fact: The irony of closing offices to honor a president is that it probably led to more paperwork being created for the next president..
• Headline: Obha, flyweight King, Dies in Auto Accident. Impact: Obha's untimely death shocked the boxing world, sending shockwaves that caused future fighters to reconsider their driving habits – or at least to get a chauffeur.. Fact: Obha was known for his lightning-fast punches, but it turns out he wasn't as quick on the road..
• Headline: Art: Final Part of Whitney Biennial. Impact: The final section of the Whitney Biennial was so solid that it caused a minor earthquake in the art world, inspiring a new trend of 'earthquake art'.. Fact: Canaday's glowing review really just meant he was trying to make up for all the times he called modern art 'a paint spill'..
• Headline: Massachusetts Asks Rozelle To Testify on Betting Plan. Impact: Rozelle's testimony on betting plans triggered a series of unfortunate events that led to office pools everywhere and the inevitable rise of the 'fantasy sports' apocalypse.. Fact: Rozelle's biggest fear was that his testimony would be more boring than watching paint dry, and spoiler alert: he was right..