JANUARY 17, 1973

Full News Archive

• Headline: Women Troopers in New York State. Impact: The appointment of women state troopers could have led to a dramatic increase in crime-solving efficiency, possibly leading to an alternate timeline where crime rates plummet to the point that detectives are replaced by cats in hats. Because who doesn't trust a cat in a tiny fedora?. Fact: Fun fact: Women have always been capable of doing the job; it just took a budget message to prove it, because apparently, men were the only ones who could figure out how to put on a badge..
• Headline: Five Laotian Communist Leaders Leave Vientiane Peace Talks for Consultations. Impact: The Laotian peace talks could have influenced a wave of international diplomacy, possibly inspiring future leaders to actually talk instead of throwing tantrums. Imagine a world where world leaders had group therapy instead of summits.. Fact: It’s ironic that they were leaving for 'consultations'—because nothing says 'peace' like a little consultative departure in the middle of negotiations..
• Headline: SENATORS PRESS NIXON ON SECRECY. Impact: If Nixon had complied with the Senate's request, it could have led to a much more transparent administration, potentially avoiding Watergate and an alternate America where presidents are actually honest. How boring!. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more secretive than Nixon's administration was your Aunt Karen's recipe for her famous potato salad..
• Headline: Congress Orders President To List Impounded Funds. Impact: If Nixon had disclosed the impounded funds, it might have led to a new era of fiscal responsibility and accountability, sparking a nationwide trend in transparency, or at least a trend in hiding money better.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing impounded more than those funds was the excitement of reading Nixon's budget proposals?.
• Headline: Kertesz Conveys Poetic Significance of Details. Impact: Kertesz's exhibition could have inspired a whole generation of photographers to take up the art, leading to a world where everyone thinks they’re an artist just because they own a camera. Filtered selfies would reign supreme.. Fact: Did you know that Kertesz once photographed a potato? It was considered one of his more 'artistic' pieces, but I think we all know it was just a spud in a fancy frame..
• Headline: COURT TO REHEAR DETROIT BUS PLAN. Impact: The rehearing of the Detroit bus plan could have triggered a nationwide movement for equitable school transportation, possibly leading to a future where no child ever has to walk to school again—because who needs exercise?. Fact: Did you know that school desegregation plans are a bit like diets? Everyone agrees they’re important, but actually following through is a whole different story..
• Headline: U.S. Widens Trade Role, Triples Exports to Soviet. Impact: The spike in trade with the USSR could have fostered an unexpected friendship between the two superpowers, possibly leading to shared recipes for borscht and barbecue. Who knew trade could be delicious?. Fact: Did you know that the U.S. and USSR were trading more than just goods at this point? They were also trading winks and awkward smiles at international meetings..