JANUARY 6, 1973

Full News Archive

• Headline: WINE TALK: DEPC Controversy Explained. Impact: If the FDA hadn't banned diethyl pyrocarbonate, we might have been sipping on 'sparkling' wines with a side of health risks, leading to a generation of wine snobs swearing off anything not labeled 'organic'—and who knows how many hipster bars would have gone bankrupt?. Fact: Did you know that diethyl pyrocarbonate sounds like a fancy name for a cocktail? Imagine ordering a 'Diethyl Pyrocarbonate Spritzer' at your local bar. Cheers to health!.
• Headline: Right to Work Advocates Challenge Brennan Nomination. Impact: Had Brennan's nomination gone through, organized labor might have gained a superpower, leading to unions taking over the world—imagine a universe where labor meetings are mandatory and casual Fridays are a federal law.. Fact: Fun fact: The Right to Work Group seems to be the only group that believes working should come with a side of 'no rights.' How generous!.
• Headline: New Rescue Vehicle for Mine Safety. Impact: The development of a rescue vehicle might have led to a boom in mine safety innovations, ultimately resulting in a world where 'they found a way to rescue miners!' becomes the new 'they found water on Mars!'. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'safety first' was actually a slogan from a time when miners used to carry nothing but hope and bad luck underground? Progress!.
• Headline: WARD IS SEEKING CHAIN IN FLORIDA. Impact: If Ward's acquisition had gone through smoothly, we might have seen an explosion of poorly organized department stores where the only thing on sale would be a questionable sense of style.. Fact: Pro tip: If you're ever feeling nostalgic for the 'good ol' days,' just visit a Montgomery Ward store—if you can find one!.
• Headline: Reputed Underworld Leader Is Freed on Bail at Buffalo. Impact: If Laraiso had remained jailed, perhaps the underworld would have found a way to run a rehabilitation program, leading to a new era of organized crime where they specialize in community service projects. Who knew the mafia could be so altruistic?. Fact: Did you know that being freed on bail is like getting a second chance at being a bad influence? It's like the universe saying, 'Try again, but with more caution this time!'.
• Headline: A WARNING IS ISSUED ON TELEPHONE RATES. Impact: Had the PSC actually done something about those telephone rates, we might have seen a surge in municipal budgets, leading to towns investing in more important things like dog parks or community gardens instead of overpriced phone services.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'telephone' was once used to describe a time when people actually spoke to each other? Shocking!.
• Headline: Orange Soil Termed Youngest of the Lunar Samples. Impact: If Apollo 17 hadn't discovered the orange soil, our understanding of the moon might have remained as bland as a piece of toast, leading to a profound lack of lunar-themed parties and merchandise.. Fact: Fun fact: The ‘orange soil’ they found on the moon has nothing to do with a cosmic fruit salad, although it would make for an interesting sci-fi plot twist!.
• Headline: Compulsory Chapel Is Ended by Laird. Impact: With compulsory chapel attendance abolished, it’s possible we avoided a future where military personnel were forced to sing hymns instead of focusing on actual defense strategies. Imagine a battlefield with a choir!. Fact: Did you know that mandatory religious services in the military was like forcing everyone to read the same book? Spoiler alert: not everyone likes the same plot twists..
• Headline: Sirhan Ordered to Pay $17,500 to Man He Shot. Impact: Sirhan's payment may have set a precedent for all assassins to send 'sorry for the inconvenience' checks, leading to a bizarre new trend in criminal justice where remorse is measured in dollar amounts.. Fact: Did you know that paying for your crimes could become a new trend? Just think of the possibilities—'Sorry I shot you, here's a check!' What a world!.