JANUARY 3, 1973

Full News Archive

• Headline: Peace Talks Renewed in Paris. Impact: If those cease-fire talks had happened in a different café, who knows? Maybe we’d have a global coffee chain named 'Peace Brew' instead of endless wars over the last coffee bean.. Fact: Le Duc Tho and Kissinger’s secret meetings could’ve rivaled any spy thriller, but instead, it was just two guys arguing over who gets the last croissant..
• Headline: PSC Rejects Phone Company's Rate Increase Request. Impact: The phone company’s dreams of a rate hike were dashed, leading to an unexpected boom in the DIY telecommunications market. Thank you, NY PSC, for the rise of the 'Can-You-Hear-Me-Now' era!. Fact: Does anyone else find it ironic that a phone company couldn't 'ring in' a good enough argument for a rate increase?.
• Headline: Science Adviser to Nixon Leaving for Industry Job. Impact: Dr. David leaving for industry might have led to an influx of scientists in corporate jobs, resulting in the creation of the world's first science-themed fast food. 'Get your lab coat and fries!'. Fact: Apparently, the realignment of science and technology offices was just a fancy way of saying, 'We need a bigger break room.'.
• Headline: British Refuse to Pay Malta Increased Rental for Base. Impact: Britain refusing to pay higher rent for Malta’s base could have flipped the entire balance of NATO, leading to a new reality show: 'Base Wars: Euro Edition.'. Fact: Mintoff probably thought he was negotiating a rent for a beach house, not a military base. Someone should have sent him a brochure..
• Headline: Fame Nich Sought for Clemente. Impact: If Clemente had been inducted earlier, we might have seen a surge in baseball fans choosing to wear hats with his name instead of their own. Talk about a fashion statement!. Fact: The Baseball Hall of Fame has more rules than a high school prom. Maybe they should just let the writers have a vote via text..
• Headline: CEASE‐FIRE TALKS RESUME IN PARIS. Impact: The success of the cease-fire talks might have led to a global trend of diplomatic discussions taking place over brunch, complete with mimosas.. Fact: It's always a little awkward when two countries have to negotiate over eggs Benedict. Just imagine the menu!.
• Headline: MISS EMONET WINS WORLDCUP SLALOM. Impact: Emonet's win might have inspired a new generation of slalom skiers who now consider racing down a mountain a viable career option, leading to a winter Olympics of epic proportions.. Fact: Winning a slalom race is basically just a fancy way of saying, 'I can zig-zag better than you!'.
• Headline: None Hurt in Rocket Attack On an Ulster Police Station. Impact: The failed rocket attack could have sparked a new trend in 'near-miss' tourism, where people pay to stand near where rockets almost hit. Talk about a thrill-seeker's paradise!. Fact: Nothing says 'peaceful protest' quite like a missing rocket. At least no one was hurt. They should really consider a career in balloon art instead..
• Headline: Biden Takes Oath Friday. Impact: Biden taking his oath in a hospital could have led to a new tradition of swearing-in ceremonies in unconventional locations, like roller coasters or trampoline parks.. Fact: Taking an oath while your kids are recovering? Now that's parenting at its finest. Who needs a podium when you have a hospital bed?.