DECEMBER 18, 1972

Full News Archive

• Headline: Santa Dismissed Over Gender Identity Controversy. Impact: Had Santa kept his job, the North Pole might have established a progressive employment policy, leading to a world where all fictional characters had equal rights, and we might be celebrating 'Santa's Diversity Day' instead of Christmas!. Fact: In the U.S., the first female Santa was actually a mall Santa in the 1970s, proving that even holiday icons can't escape the ire of parental expectations.
• Headline: Polish Aide Explores Life Beyond Diplomacy. Impact: Trepczynski's jaunt outside the U.N. may have inspired countless diplomats to sneak off for weekend getaways, eventually leading to a global travel craze where world leaders are more famous for their selfies than their policies. Fact: The U.N. has a strict no-fun policy; it’s why you never see world leaders at Coachella.
• Headline: Record Tourism Boom in Spain 1972. Impact: Spain's tourism boom in '72 likely set in motion a wave of sunburned tourists that eventually led to the invention of the sunscreen industry, which is now a multi-billion dollar empire that funds beachside cocktails. Fact: 31 million tourists visiting Spain in one year is a lot of sunburn; no wonder they invented siestas!.
• Headline: Solzhenitsyn Would Take Loan From American. Impact: Solzhenitsyn's plea for financial help may have ignited a worldwide movement for artists to crowdfund their masterpieces, eventually leading to the platform known as Kickstarter — where people fund everything from potato salad to indie films. Fact: Solzhenitsyn's most famous work, 'The Gulag Archipelago', has probably been turned into a board game by now. Just kidding! Or am I?.
• Headline: Show Stirs Hope and Fear for Crafts. Impact: The hope and fear stemming from the handicraft show could have inspired the hipster movement decades later, where artisanal everything became a trend, turning simple crafts into overpriced status symbols. Fact: If you think a $5,000 handmade ceramic mug is ridiculous, just wait until you see the $10,000 version with the 'authentic' coffee stains!.
• Headline: CONGRESS SEEKS NEW BUDGET ROLE. Impact: Congress's desire for budget control might have inadvertently led to the rise of the modern-day fiscal cliff debates, where politicians argue about money like children fighting over a cookie jar. Fact: Congressional budget meetings are the only place where 'spending ceiling' is a phrase that doesn’t involve a credit card bill.
• Headline: Doves in Senate Hold Off Criticism of Snag at Paris. Impact: The Senate's reluctance to criticize the Vietnam policies could be seen as a precursor to future political cover-ups, leading to a world where politicians are experts in dodging tough questions — a skill that remains invaluable today. Fact: The phrase ‘Doves in Senate’ sounds like a failed attempt at a nature documentary.
• Headline: Rhodes Scholars Named; Scope of Award Widened. Impact: The expansion of the Rhodes Scholarship could have led to an elite education arms race, where universities compete to offer the most extravagant scholarships, including free avocado toast for life. Fact: Rhodes Scholars are like the overachievers of academia; they probably have a trophy for 'Best at Everything' sitting in their dorm rooms.
• Headline: City Suspects Error Led To Revenue‐Sharing Cut. Impact: The confusion over revenue-sharing cuts may have sparked a new trend in government budgeting, where errors are celebrated as 'creative accounting' and led to a rise in the popularity of economic conspiracy theories. Fact: If NYC's budget director ever becomes a detective, we might have the next great mystery novel: 'The Case of the Missing Millions!'.
• Headline: 56,000 Settlers in Israel. Impact: The influx of settlers in Israel likely set off an international game of Monopoly, where countries are vying for real estate and claiming 'free parking' on every corner. Fact: 56,000 new settlers is a lot of new neighbors; imagine the welcome parties!.