DECEMBER 14, 1972

Full News Archive

• Headline: NYC Expands Tax Regulations for Employees. Impact: This tax bill might have accidentally inspired a future generation of tax evaders who think they can just dodge taxes by moving to the moon. Spoiler alert: they can't.. Fact: Did you know that taxing future city employees was a great way to make sure only the truly desperate would apply for city jobs? Because who doesn't want to pay to work?.
• Headline: Kissinger's Paris Cease-Fire Negotiations Conclude. Impact: Kissinger's departure from Paris might have led to a lost opportunity for a peace accord, which, if signed, could have resulted in a timeline where everyone in Saigon decided to open a bakery instead of fighting. Croissants for peace!. Fact: Did you know that Kissinger probably spent more time in Paris than most tourists? Too bad there was no Instagram back then to document his culinary adventures..
• Headline: Zambia Completes Action To Outlaw Opposition Party. Impact: Zambia's move to become a one-party state might have inspired a bizarre trend of other nations to try the same, leading to a world where political parties are just a fun rumor—like Bigfoot.. Fact: Did you know that outlawing opposition parties is like trying to play Monopoly with all the rules except the ones that let you win? Good luck with that!.
• Headline: NEW JERSEY. Impact: The ongoing controversy in New Jersey might have led to a new reality show: 'Real Judges of New Jersey,' where judges settle disputes while eating pizza and discussing the merits of hair gel.. Fact: Did you know that Judge Kimmelman could have easily become a celebrity lawyer if only he had a good agent? Instead, he’s stuck in the courtroom drama of reality..
• Headline: Thieu Bid Reported Rejected. Impact: Thieu's rejection of the peace plan could have set off a chain reaction of failed negotiations, eventually resulting in an alternate timeline where everyone just communicates exclusively through interpretive dance.. Fact: Did you know that in an alternate universe, a peace accord was signed, and Saigon became the world's top destination for yoga retreats? Namaste!.
• Headline: NEW JERSEY. Impact: The illustration of Gov. Cahill could have triggered a fashion trend of oversized glasses in politics, leading to the era of the 'bespectacled leader'—because who needs actual policies when you look good?. Fact: Did you know that in the world of New Jersey politics, the most scandalous thing a governor can wear is a bad tie? Fashion is serious business!.
• Headline: STATE REGISTERS WELFARE DECLINE, ITS FIRST IN YEARS. Impact: The welfare decline might have set off a series of debates where people argue about whether social security benefits should be increased or if they should invest in stocks instead—because nothing says 'financial security' like gambling.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more shocking than a welfare decline is finding out how many people still think 'money grows on trees'? Spoiler alert: it doesn't..
• Headline: Laotian Troops Capture an Important Town Near the Ho Chi Minh Trail After Month‐Long Campaign. Impact: The capture of Muong Phalane might have inadvertently led to a new tourist destination for historians who enjoy a good battlefield reenactment, complete with local cuisine and souvenir stalls.. Fact: Did you know that if Laotian troops had just invited the Vietnamese to a barbecue instead, they might have avoided the whole conflict? Who can resist ribs and good conversation?.