SEPTEMBER 15, 1972

Full News Archive

• Headline: Brooklyn Project's Unexpected Halt. Impact: If only the Brooklyn Mid-Income Project had gone through, we might have seen a hipster utopia full of artisanal bagel shops and overpriced brunch spots instead of the current reality of overpriced lofts and artisanal bagel shops. Thanks, Estimate Board!. Fact: The Bd of Estimate's decision to halt the project likely saved residents from years of complaining about the smell of fresh paint and the sound of construction at ungodly hours. What a relief!.
• Headline: D R Jones Becomes National Editor at NY Times. Impact: D.R. Jones becoming national editor of the NY Times inadvertently set off a chain reaction in journalism, leading to countless coffee breaks and a sudden increase in the consumption of artisanal avocados by the newsroom staff.. Fact: This appointment is proof that the world can spin on the axis of one person's ability to edit punctuation and decide which cat memes make it to the front page..
• Headline: Fund-Sharing Bill Amendments Spark Controversy. Impact: The day-care funding restrictions acted like a time bomb, delaying countless parents' return to work and leading to a generation of kids raised by TV. Thanks, panel, for the future reality show 'Kids of the Couch'!. Fact: Child care, a term that probably sounds like a myth to the panel members, was once considered an essential service. Now, it seems to be treated like a luxury item—like a diamond-encrusted pacifier..
• Headline: Communists on Ballot. Impact: The certification of Communist party candidates in Pennsylvania was like throwing a piñata at a political party—sure, it made a mess, but it also let everyone know that political diversity is alive and well, or at least slightly bruised.. Fact: In Pennsylvania, even the communists need to play by the rules of democracy. Who knew? Next, they'll want to start a bake sale to fund their initiatives..
• Headline: Cocaine Seized on Coast. Impact: The seizure of cocaine at Miami Airport was a pivotal moment in the war on drugs, setting off a cascade of 'Cocaine Cowboy' movies that would later fill our screens with questionable plotlines and even worse fashion choices.. Fact: This incident proves that customs agents are just as capable of busting a drug smuggler as they are of busting your confidence when they pull you aside for a random bag check..
• Headline: COURT VOIDS ORDER FOR HIRING BLACKS. Impact: The court's decision on hiring quotas didn’t just change hiring practices; it sparked debates that would echo through time, leading to more convoluted policies and a greater understanding of 'equal opportunity' as a confusing legal labyrinth.. Fact: In a twist of irony, the ruling might have actually led to more diversity in hiring practices, because nothing says 'we care' like a lawsuit that forces you to think about your hiring policies..
• Headline: Puerto Rican Named To U.S. Delegation For U.N. Assembly. Impact: The nomination of Puerto Rican delegates to the U.N. Assembly is like adding hot sauce to a bland dish—it spices things up and reminds everyone that representation matters, even in international politics.. Fact: You know you're important when your nomination makes headlines while most of us struggle just to get through our morning coffee without spilling it..
• Headline: Oyster Bay Republican Accused Of Harassing Newspaper Chain. Impact: R.L. Morgan's accusations of harassment against the town of Oyster Bay set into motion a series of small-town dramas that could rival any soap opera—popcorn sales would surely skyrocket.. Fact: Nothing says 'we're serious about our newsprint' like a good ol' fashioned political feud. Who knew that trucking regulations could become the next big reality TV showdown?.