AUGUST 31, 1972

Full News Archive

• Headline: Nixon and Tanaka Meet in Hawaii. Impact: Nixon's talks with Tanaka led to a series of trade agreements that eventually resulted in the invention of sushi burritos. Yes, folks, culinary fusion at its finest, all thanks to a two-day chat in Hawaii!. Fact: Did you know that Nixon once tried to order a pineapple and ended up with a coconut? Clearly, a culinary genius..
• Headline: School Board Reinstates Bronx Teachers. Impact: The Bronx school board's decision set a precedent that eventually led to the invention of the 'teacher's lounge' as a sacred space for gossip and snack-sharing, ultimately resulting in more elaborate coffee breaks nationwide.. Fact: Did you know that 'teacher's lounge' is actually code for 'where we plot our escape to the beach'?.
• Headline: Army Awards Helicopter Development Contracts. Impact: The new helicopter was a game changer, leading to advanced troop transport methods that would later inspire a whole generation of video game developers to create helicopter rescue missions. Thanks, military!. Fact: Fun fact: The Huey helicopter was so iconic that it made more cameos in movies than most A-list actors..
• Headline: Piper Loan Is Approved. Impact: Piper Aircraft's loan approval led to the eventual rise of personal flight, paving the way for people like me to experience the joys of being stuck in traffic... in the sky.. Fact: Did you know that Piper Aircraft once tried to make a flying car, but it just ended up as an expensive lawn ornament?.
• Headline: SUPER BOWL SETS TWO TROT MARKS. Impact: The sale of Super Bowl put the horse racing world on the map, leading to the creation of the first-ever horse racing reality show, 'The Real Horses of Kentucky.'. Fact: Did you know that horses can run faster than most politicians can come up with a decent excuse?.
• Headline: GUARD SEES PERIL IF THE DRAFT ENDS. Impact: The National Guard's concerns about the draft ending led to a recruitment drive that resulted in the first 'Army Reserves Talent Show,' where soldiers showcased not only their combat skills but also their karaoke talents.. Fact: Did you know that the National Guard once considered adding 'professional karaoke' as an enlistment perk? Still waiting on that one..
• Headline: Books of The Times. Impact: The review of 'The Politics of Heroin in Southeast Asia' became a bestseller, leading to a brief surge in 'political drug novels,' which ultimately resulted in a failed movie adaptation starring an over-the-hill action hero.. Fact: Did you know that the book was so popular that it inspired a whole new genre called 'political thrillers,' which basically means anything with a twist ending?.
• Headline: FOE AT QUANGTRI IS SAID TO STEP UP ARTILLERY ATTACK. Impact: The artillery attack in Quangtri led to an increased emphasis on military strategy, which subsequently inspired a plethora of 'war games' that are now played by twelve-year-olds around the world.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'shell shock' was originally coined because soldiers were confused about whether they were under attack or just playing a really intense video game?.
• Headline: G.A.O. IS AUDITING KGOVERN'S BOOKS. Impact: The Nixon campaign finance investigation led to a series of laws that made political fundraising more complicated than a Rubik's cube, ensuring that future politicians would spend more time dodging questions than addressing issues.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more complicated than campaign finance laws is trying to understand your in-laws at Thanksgiving?.
• Headline: SKYLAB PEDESTAL FACES NASA TESTS. Impact: The testing of the Skylab pedestal paved the way for future space stations, eventually leading to a reality show where astronauts compete for the title of 'Best Space Chef.'. Fact: Did you know that the only thing floating more than the Skylab was the astronaut's sense of personal space? Space is tight!.