AUGUST 10, 1972

Full News Archive

• Headline: Lindsay's Warning on Social Security Impact. Impact: If you think a 20% increase in Social Security was a good idea, just wait until you see how many cats started running for office to secure their own benefits. It's a slippery slope, folks.. Fact: It's ironic how a raise meant to help the elderly ended up turning them into Medicaid's version of a game of musical chairs..
• Headline: White House Adjusts Arms Control Strategy. Impact: The White House's arms debate only fueled conspiracy theories, leading to a secret society of arms dealers who meet every Wednesday for brunch. They discuss the finer points of missile etiquette.. Fact: The only thing more confusing than arms treaties is trying to find a parking spot near the White House..
• Headline: G.O.P. Bloc Rejects Reform Proposal. Impact: The GOP's resistance to reform ultimately led to the rise of a secret underground movement advocating for better representation. They meet in basements and wear funny hats. The hats are for luck.. Fact: It's almost as if the Republican party doesn't want women, minorities, or youth to have a say in their own future. Shocking, I know!.
• Headline: LINDSAY UPHOLDS HIS PROSECUTORS. Impact: Mayor Lindsay's defense of prosecutors only strengthened the belief that NYC might as well have a 'Corruption Olympics.' Gold medals awarded for best cover-ups!. Fact: Prosecutors and police working together? Next, you'll tell me the Tooth Fairy is real!.
• Headline: Jury in Pentagon Papers Trial Sent Home Until Mid‐October. Impact: The Pentagon Papers trial became the longest jury pause in U.S. history, inspiring future generations to take up extreme sports—waiting for a verdict became a full-time job.. Fact: This jury break was so long that some jurors took up knitting, while others started a book club. Spoiler alert: they never finished the trial..
• Headline: L.I. Youth Hurt in Fall. Impact: The tragic fall of young H Sard sparked a nationwide safety campaign that led to the invention of bubble wrap for teenagers. Because why not wrap them in layers of protection?. Fact: Canyonlands National Park: where the views are breathtaking, but so are the falls. Safety first, folks!.
• Headline: Assemblyman Takes Post. Impact: Assemblyman Wager's decision to avoid divisiveness only resulted in a secret campaign club where they discussed the merits of unity while quietly plotting behind the scenes.. Fact: Choosing not to run as an independent candidate is like deciding not to eat dessert at a buffet. Who does that?.
• Headline: SHOP TALK. Impact: The exhibition of craftsmen's work led to a revival of artisanal everything, including artisanal toast. Thanks, America, for making bread trendy again.. Fact: If you think artisanal crafts are new, wait until you hear about the Renaissance. Spoiler: they had really fancy bread too..
• Headline: Democrats in Nassau Seek New Reapportionment. Impact: The Democrats' push for new reapportionment in Nassau sparked a chain reaction that eventually led to a reality TV show called 'Reapportionment Wars.' Spoiler: nobody wins.. Fact: Reapportionment is just a fancy word for political game of musical chairs. Hope you like sitting on the sidelines!.