JULY 21, 1972

Full News Archive

• Headline: Governors Urge Quick Revenue-Sharing Approval. Impact: If Rockefeller and his fellow governors hadn't begged the Senate for revenue-sharing approval, we might have seen a world where state budgets were tighter than a drum, leading to the Great Pizza Recession of '73. You don't want to mess with pizza profits, trust me.. Fact: Did you know that Rockefeller was so influential that if he sneezed, Congress would likely pass a law declaring it a national emergency? Just kidding, but you get the idea..
• Headline: O'Brien Appointed to McGovern's Campaign. Impact: By appointing O'Brien, McGovern might have sparked a chain reaction leading to the creation of endless labor peace treaties—because nothing says 'presidential campaign' like making friends with unions over coffee and donuts.. Fact: Did you know that in political circles, 'making peace' often means compromising your way into a corner? It's like playing chess with the pieces glued to the board..
• Headline: Women's Right to Choose: A Historical Perspective. Impact: Advocating for a woman's right to only bear wanted children might have inadvertently led to future debates on whether it should include 'wanted pets'—because who wouldn't want a cute puppy?. Fact: Did you know that the world has been debating reproductive rights longer than most people have been debating the best pizza topping? Spoiler: it's still pineapple for some..
• Headline: Spassky Resigns After Blunder; Match Is Even Through 5 Games. Impact: Spassky's resignation could have altered the course of chess history. If he had played on, we might have seen a world where chess became an Olympic sport, complete with synchronized swimming routines.. Fact: Did you know that Fischer once requested a private swimming pool for his matches? Because nothing says 'intense mental competition' like a refreshing dip between games..
• Headline: FIRST PENNSYLVANIA LAGS IN EARNINGS. Impact: If First Pennsylvania's earnings hadn't gone up, we might have seen a nationwide crisis of optimism, where people were forced to actually talk to each other instead of staring at their bank statements.. Fact: Did you know that a 3.7% increase in earnings is considered a win in the corporate world? Meanwhile, I can gain 3.7% on my couch just by sitting there and eating snacks..
• Headline: WASHINGTON. Impact: The US-USSR trade talks could have led to a bizarre alternate reality where American consumers were forced to choose between vodka and Coca-Cola at the grocery store. Talk about a hangover!. Fact: Did you know that trade discussions can sometimes feel like a bad date? You both want something, but there's a lot of awkward silence and no one wants to admit they don't know what they’re doing..
• Headline: American Export May Fail To Pay Interest on Aug. 1. Impact: American Export's potential failure to pay interest could have caused a domino effect that led to every company in America scrabbling like rats on a sinking ship, resulting in a nationwide 'We Didn't See This Coming' day.. Fact: Did you know that missing an interest payment is like forgetting your anniversary? It's a great way to ruin a relationship—oh wait, that's the same thing..
• Headline: BIG BOARD ENJOINED ON STARK EXPULSION. Impact: Stark's injunction against the NYSE might have inspired a new age of rebellious stock traders who believed rules were merely suggestions, possibly leading to a Wall Street theme park where stocks ride roller coasters.. Fact: Did you know that the New York Stock Exchange has more rules than a high school dance? And yet, somehow, people still manage to trip over their own feet..
• Headline: Railways and Union Settle 35‐Year. Fireman Dispute. Impact: The settlement of the fireman dispute could have prevented a future where freight trains ran on fairy dust instead of coal, changing the entire landscape of transportation and making trainspotting a much more magical hobby.. Fact: Did you know that ending a 35-year labor dispute is like finally finishing a really long book? You’re relieved, but also kind of sad it’s over..
• Headline: Puerto Rico Low on Water. Impact: Puerto Rico's water crisis could have led to an unexpected trend in water conservation, sparking a new reality show called 'Survivor: Water Edition,' where contestants battle for every drop.. Fact: Did you know that asking people to conserve water is like asking them to stop breathing during a particularly exciting movie? It just doesn't go over well..