JUNE 23, 1972

Full News Archive

• Headline: Construction Workers' March Against Court Ruling. Impact: This protest set off a chain reaction that eventually led to the formation of the 'Picketing Union', a fictional labor union that only exists in alternate timelines where picketing actually solved everything.. Fact: In a shocking twist, the construction workers were actually marching to find the world's longest sandwich. Spoiler: they didn't find it..
• Headline: Beame Disallows SEEK Expenditures. Impact: Beame's disallowance of expenses triggered a series of budget cuts that led to the creation of an underground network of coffee-drinking, expense-report-faking rebels who now run the covert operations of NYC.. Fact: If you think getting reimbursed for coffee is tough now, just wait until you hear about the medieval knights trying to get their armor cleaned on expenses!.
• Headline: PENSION STRATEGY SHIFTS IN CONGRESS. Impact: The pension strategy shift sparked a nationwide discussion that somehow led to a resurgence of interest in knitting, as retirees sought alternative hobbies to fill their time post-increase.. Fact: It's said that every time someone mentions 'Social Security', a retiree picks up a pair of knitting needles. Coincidence? I think not..
• Headline: Democrats Lose Keys For the Convention Hall. Impact: The key debacle resulted in a panic that led to the invention of ‘Emergency Backup Key Chains’, a product that has saved many a politician from last-minute disasters since.. Fact: Rumor has it the missing keys were stashed away by a disgruntled intern who was tired of being asked to fetch coffee..
• Headline: Church Record Is Claimed. Impact: This record-breaking church service inspired an annual 'Holy Marathon' event where participants must attend as many services as possible without falling asleep. It's a real test of faith!. Fact: The previous record was held by a group of monks who reportedly chanted for 48 hours straight, fueled only by herbal tea and the power of prayer..
• Headline: War Hero for McGovern. Impact: Herbert's endorsement of McGovern somehow led to a time loop where every war hero who endorsed a candidate only did so to ensure they could relive their glory days on the campaign trail. It’s a wild ride!. Fact: It's rumored that every time a war hero endorses someone, a cat gets a new home. Seriously, check the statistics..
• Headline: F.P.C. Urged to Bar Bias in Gas, Electric Utilities. Impact: This petition led to a bizarre twist where utility companies started hiring professionals to ensure fair employment practices, resulting in the world's first 'Utility Company Diversity Officer' job title.. Fact: Ironically, the first diversity officer was a toaster. It really knew how to make everyone feel included, especially at breakfast..
• Headline: Humphrey Says His Staying in Race Could Help Victor Gain Party Unity. Impact: Humphrey's attempt to unify the party somehow led to a series of awkward family reunions where political discussions turned into bickering over who would get the last slice of pie.. Fact: They say that every time a candidate mentions 'party unity', somewhere a family gathers to argue about politics instead of discussing the weather..