MAY 7, 1972

Full News Archive

• Headline: Health Dept Halts Sale of Unsafe Cans. Impact: The halt on selling damaged cans sparked an underground black market for dented food that, ironically, led to the rise of hipster restaurants serving gourmet 'deconstructed' canned food. Who knew a little rust could make you famous?. Fact: Did you know that dented cans are like the hipsters of the food world? They may look rough on the outside, but inside, they're just trying to get by without anyone judging them!.
• Headline: FOREIGN AFFAIRS. Impact: Nixon's faltering Asian policy inadvertently led to a global game of 'who can outsmart the other superpower', which, spoiler alert, ended up causing more confusion than a cat in a dog park.. Fact: Did you know that if you add up all the diplomatic meetings from this era, you could probably make a feature-length film? It would be titled 'The Misunderstandings: A Love Story.'.
• Headline: When It's a Dog's Life, Humane Society Cares. Impact: The lawsuit against the dog pound led to increased awareness of animal rights, which eventually resulted in the rise of dog influencers on social media. Thanks to this, your feed is now 50% cute puppies and 50% people pretending to talk to their pets.. Fact: Did you know that in the future, dog influencers will have more followers than most human celebrities? Sorry, Brad Pitt, but you just can't compete with a golden retriever!.
• Headline: Lockheed Loan. Impact: The shady refusal to disclose details about the Lockheed loan led to a series of government cover-up dramas that would make even Hollywood writers envious. The next blockbuster could star a 1970s accountant!. Fact: Did you know that the Lockheed L-1011 was once considered so advanced that it could have been mistaken for a UFO? Now, that would have made for an interesting press conference!.
• Headline: Said Mr. Cooper to His Wife: ‘You Know, I Could Write Something Better Than That’. Impact: This comment not only sparked a series of mediocre novels but also set unrealistic expectations for aspiring authors everywhere. Sorry, everyone, but not every grocery list can be a bestseller.. Fact: Did you know that James Fenimore Cooper's books were so popular that people actually fought over them? And by 'fought,' I mean they had intense debates over tea. Quite the ruckus!.
• Headline: …And This Is the House That Grandma Built. Impact: Grandma's DIY spirit sparked a nationwide trend in Pinterest boards dedicated to homemade houses, which ultimately led to the rise of 'tiny homes' and hipsters living in converted chicken coops.. Fact: Did you know that in the future, people will pay thousands for the privilege of living in a house built by their grandma? Good luck finding the right Pinterest tutorial!.
• Headline: Wood, Field and Stream: Conservationists Attack. Impact: The defense of Adirondack Park led to a nationwide environmental movement, which resulted in more people caring about nature while simultaneously ruining it by trying to take selfies with it.. Fact: Did you know that if you planted a tree for every time someone took a selfie in the Adirondacks, you'd have enough trees to make a life-sized replica of the park? Talk about a selfie forest!.