MAY 5, 1972

Full News Archive

• Headline: John Marion Takes Charge at Parke-Bernet. Impact: With J Marion at the helm, art world eventually sees the rise of overpriced banana duct-tape installations, leading to modern art's existential crisis. Thanks, John!. Fact: Did you know that Parke-Bernet was once known as the 'place where even a potato could be auctioned off for more than its weight in gold'?.
• Headline: Brooke Advocates for Social Security Increase. Impact: This push for faster Social Security benefits somehow triggered a nationwide obsession with bingo nights, which led to an influx of retirees becoming bingo champions and worldwide celebrities.. Fact: Did you know that Congress is actually just a fancy term for 'the world's longest-running game of hot potato'?.
• Headline: WASHINGOTON. Impact: This confusion over McGovern's stance on abortion ignited a series of political debates that eventually led to the invention of 'political bingo' – where every buzzword gets you closer to winning a free coffee.. Fact: Did you know that political statements are often like my attempts at cooking: confusing and prone to failure?.
• Headline: Humphrey Victor in Ohio Vote; Wallace Wins Tennessee Race. Impact: Humphrey's narrow win in Ohio ultimately led to a series of coffee shop debates that birthed the phrase 'I could do better' among aspiring politicians.. Fact: Did you know that voting machine problems are just the universe's way of reminding us that nothing in life is perfect – especially democracy?.
• Headline: Suspect in Slaying Of Gallo Arrested. Impact: The arrest of P Gambino leads to a series of Mafia movies that glorify organized crime, ultimately resulting in a spike in pizza consumption and unsolicited advice about 'family business'.. Fact: Did you know that being a 'Mafia informant' is just a fancy way of saying 'I have a lot of enemies'?.
• Headline: HANOI COMPLAINT ON P.O.W.'S CITED. Impact: This complaint about POWs and propaganda sets off a chain reaction, prompting the invention of 'newspeak' and making public relations a major career field. Thanks, Hanoi!. Fact: Did you know that the art of propaganda is basically just really advanced marketing for bad news?.
• Headline: The 1968 ‘Understanding’. Impact: The repudiation of the '68 understandings leads to decades of mistrust in diplomatic agreements, giving rise to a popular game show: 'Who Will Break This Treaty First?'.. Fact: Did you know that breaking diplomatic agreements is a lot like breaking up – messy and often involves a lot of regret?.
• Headline: Sixth Carrier in War Zone. Impact: The introduction of six aircraft carriers in Vietnam creates a ripple effect, leading to an unprecedented number of 'carrier pigeons' being used in military strategy – who knew feathers could fly in conflict?. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more complicated than military strategy is trying to explain why you didn't call your mother?.
• Headline: Theater: ‘Suggs,’ Comic Confession of a Romantic. Impact: The play 'Suggs' becomes a cult classic, inspiring a wave of ‘romantic confession’ plays that, ironically, leave audiences feeling more confused about love than ever.. Fact: Did you know that watching plays about romance is basically just a safe way to avoid your own dating disasters?.