APRIL 2, 1972

Full News Archive

• Headline: Innovative Headlighting Systems in Auto Industry. Impact: If people had painted their headlights in neon colors, perhaps we would have all driven like it was the '70s for decades longer. Imagine the disco parties on wheels! Sadly, this didn't happen, and we were left with boring old white lights instead. Fact: In the future, people will argue over the hue of headlights like it's a national crisis. Spoiler alert: they still won't change the fact that drivers can't use turn signals.
• Headline: Suffolk County Rent Analysis of 1970. Impact: The soaring rents in Suffolk could have inspired a mass exodus of creative thinkers to move to cheaper pastures, leading to a renaissance in arts somewhere not-so-expensive. Instead, they just grumbled and continued living paycheck to paycheck. Fact: In the future, people will pay more than $146 for coffee than these rents! Welcome to adulthood.
• Headline: Nassau County Planning Commission Leadership Change. Impact: The election of B Frank as chairman might have set off a chain reaction of mediocre leadership selections across the nation, culminating in a world where everyone votes for the least objectionable candidate instead of the best. Fact: In a few decades, people will look back at this election and think, 'Wow, things really went downhill after B Frank.'.
• Headline: A Network for Peru. Impact: This agreement for a communications network could have connected Peru to the world, potentially leading to a revival of Inca civilization in the digital age. Instead, it probably just helped more people argue about soccer online. Fact: Fun fact: Japan would later invent karaoke, which Peruvians would adopt enthusiastically, proving that music transcends all boundaries—especially bad singing.
• Headline: ADVERTISING POINT OF VIEW. Impact: Colarossi's proposal for a worldwide advertising campaign might have led to a global obsession with American culture, resulting in every country attempting to sell their own version of the American dream—spoiler alert: it’s mostly just burgers and reality TV. Fact: In the future, advertising will become so pervasive that people will start advertising their own lives on social media, because who doesn’t want to be a brand?.
• Headline: U.S. Widens Ties to African Whites. Impact: The Nixon administration’s ties to African whites might have paved the way for more international intrigue, a few spy movies, and definitely some questionable policies. Because who doesn’t love a political scandal?. Fact: In the years to come, people will look back and say, 'Wow, that escalated quickly,' while shaking their heads at how history seems to repeat itself.
• Headline: A Wankel in Your Future. Impact: The Wankel engine might have revolutionized vehicle design, leading to a world where cars are as eccentric as their owners. Instead, we just got more conventional engines and a lot of disappointed car enthusiasts. Fact: Spoiler alert: the Wankel engine became known for its quirks, much like your friend's strange obsession with collecting rubber ducks.
• Headline: Dance. Impact: The Philadelphia Ballet could have sparked a dance renaissance, inspiring future generations to appreciate the arts. But instead, it probably just led to more awkward middle school dance recitals. Fact: Fun fact: Ballet dancers will eventually be seen as the true superheroes of the future, thanks to their ability to jump and spin in ways that defy gravity (and logic).
• Headline: Art. Impact: Ryman's exhibition could have influenced a generation of artists to think outside the box, leading to an explosion of creativity. Instead, it probably just made people nod politely and think, 'I could do that.'. Fact: In the future, art critics will be as revered as celebrities, making the phrase 'I could do that' an actual career path.