MARCH 11, 1972

Full News Archive

• Headline: Petroleum Association Seeks Crude Oil Price Increase. Impact: The Petroleum Association's request for a crude oil price increase set off a chain reaction that led to gas station attendants across America becoming the unofficial therapists of the 1970s, as they listened to countless frustrated drivers complain about prices while simultaneously ruining their favorite songs with endless 'pump' puns.. Fact: Fun fact: This request was the precursor to the infamous 'gas shortage' parties of the 1970s where people gathered to commiserate over rationing—turns out, misery does love company!.
• Headline: Reviving Arizona's Ecological Heritage. Impact: By turning back the ecological clock, the Arizona Research Ranch inadvertently sparked a nationwide obsession with 'back to nature' movements. Little did they know that this would also lead to an explosion in the sale of overpriced organic kale and the rise of influencers posing in front of trees.. Fact: In 150 years, the ranch will be featured in a documentary titled 'How to Pretend You Care About Nature While Actually Just Taking Selfies.'.
• Headline: Leadership Changes in Financial Group. Impact: The election of W.E. Issel and F.W. Miller marked the beginning of a political trend where people would elect leaders based on how good they looked in a suit rather than their actual qualifications, setting the stage for future reality TV stars to mistake their charisma for competence.. Fact: Spoiler alert: Issel and Miller's greatest contribution to politics was a series of awkward group photos that historians still use as examples of 'what not to do.'.
• Headline: 14 RUN IN NEBRASKA, 7 IN NORTH CAROLINA. Impact: The Nebraska and North Carolina primaries, with their long list of candidates, inadvertently demonstrated to future generations that political debates could just as easily be replaced by reality shows, where the most outrageous contenders take center stage and the audience votes based on sheer entertainment value.. Fact: If only the candidates had known that the secret to winning would be a catchy hashtag, they might have rebranded themselves as 'The Political Avengers' and taken home the trophy..
• Headline: Akron Lawyer Bankrupt; Creditors Claim 11.2‐Million. Impact: The bankruptcy of the Akron lawyer sent shockwaves through the legal community, leading to a series of 'how to avoid bankruptcy' seminars that were ironically attended by lawyers who would later file for bankruptcy themselves—talk about a masterclass in hypocrisy.. Fact: This lawyer later became a motivational speaker, specializing in 'Lessons from Failure'—because nothing says success like a bankruptcy filing..
• Headline: Nixon Order to Relax Secrecy Called ‘Restrictive’ at Hearing. Impact: Nixon's order to relax secrecy was like opening Pandora's box, leading to a flood of conspiracy theories that would make even the most dedicated tin foil hat-wearer raise an eyebrow—who knew the truth could be so messy?. Fact: Ironically, this order was the precursor to the age of the internet, where every 'leak' would be scrutinized by amateur detectives in their mom's basements..
• Headline: McCloskey Drops Challenge to Nixon. Impact: McCloskey's withdrawal from the challenge to Nixon ignited a ripple effect of political 'what ifs' that would haunt historians for decades. If only he had stayed in, we might have had a different chapter in the Watergate saga—then again, who doesn’t love a good scandal?. Fact: Rumor has it, McCloskey later became a trivia night champion in bars across America, specializing in obscure political facts that no one else cared about..