DECEMBER 17, 1971

Full News Archive

• Headline: U.S. Concerns Over Pakistan-India Conflict. Impact: If Yahya had just decided to quit while he was ahead, we might have avoided decades of regional conflict and a thriving industry of conspiracy theories about what might have happened instead. Think of all the Netflix documentaries we could have skipped!. Fact: The fear of war is so powerful it can inspire people to invent new forms of diplomacy—like sending passive-aggressive emails instead of the traditional 'let's meet for coffee' approach..
• Headline: Lindsay Comments on Primary Decision-Making. Impact: Lindsay's indecision about the primaries likely inspired countless future politicians to adopt the same strategy—because who needs clarity when you can keep everyone guessing?. Fact: In politics, indecision is often seen as a strategic move. Just ask anyone who’s ever tried to decide what to order at a restaurant..
• Headline: Soviet Medical Student Reunites with Wife. Impact: This small act of allowing love to cross borders could have single-handedly inspired a million rom-coms, turning Soviet bureaucracy into an unlikely romantic hero.. Fact: Love really does conquer all, except for maybe a good visa application process..
• Headline: BUCKLEY FORESEES '72 NIXON VICTORY. Impact: Buckley's prediction probably sent shockwaves through every political analyst's crystal ball, making them rethink their entire career path based on the whims of a senator's gut feelings.. Fact: In political forecasting, confidence is key—even if it’s completely misplaced. Just ask the pollsters who predicted the last election..
• Headline: U.S. Lists Another Huge Payments Gap. Impact: This realization about the payments gap could have led to the creation of an entire genre of economics-themed reality shows. 'Keeping Up with the Cash Gaps' has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?. Fact: The U.S. government and financial institutions have been playing a never-ending game of 'how low can you go?' with interest rates for decades..
• Headline: POLICEMAN ADMITS GUILT IN BRIBE CASE. Impact: This policeman admitting guilt might have sparked a wave of other law enforcement officials to come clean—until they realized that honesty doesn’t pay as well as corruption.. Fact: In the world of crime, honesty is like a unicorn: everyone talks about it, but nobody has ever seen it in the wild..
• Headline: REVAMPING URGED FOR BANK SYSTEM. Impact: The call for revamping the bank system likely led to a series of financial crises that could be traced back to someone’s overly ambitious PowerPoint presentation. Thanks, Hunt Comm!. Fact: Financial structures are like your favorite pair of jeans: they need to be updated every few years to avoid looking completely outdated..
• Headline: Production of Oil in Texas Is Raised to Meet Demand. Impact: Increasing oil production in Texas probably set off a chain reaction that led to more cars, more traffic jams, and an unending supply of angry drivers stuck in said traffic. Congratulations, Texas!. Fact: Texans love their oil so much that they probably have it on their breakfast menu right next to pancakes and bacon..
• Headline: Text of Chinese Statement on the War. Impact: The text of the Chinese statement could have sparked a flurry of diplomatic missives, proving that if you throw enough paper at a problem, you might just create more problems.. Fact: Diplomacy is like a chess game, except everyone is trying to avoid checkmate by talking endlessly about the weather..
• Headline: White House Response. Impact: Ziegler's comment on avoiding war could have inspired future press secretaries to take a more Zen approach to international relations—like, 'Just don’t think about it and it’ll go away!'. Fact: The best way to avoid war? Apparently, it’s just to avoid starting one, which is much simpler than all that pesky diplomacy..