NOVEMBER 15, 1971

Full News Archive

• Headline: Court Prevents Lansky's Immediate Expulsion. Impact: If only Lansky had been ousted, perhaps Israel would have become a hotspot for organized crime, leading to a series of unfortunate events where every Jewish deli turns into a speakeasy. Instead, he stays, and now we just have a lot of great bagels.. Fact: M. Lansky was so influential in organized crime that his life could basically be a season of a smash-hit crime drama, minus the scripted drama—just real life with more bagels..
• Headline: Calcutta Consulate: Hub of Bangla Desk Activity. Impact: The former Pakistani consulate becoming a Bangla Desk hub might have inadvertently sparked the rise of diplomatic coffee breaks, leading to international relations being resolved over lattes instead of heated debates.. Fact: Calcutta's consulate drama shows that sometimes defection isn't just a political move, it's about finding a better coffee blend..
• Headline: Draft Dodger Denied US Citizenship Appeal. Impact: Jolley's case of renouncing citizenship and facing deportation might have inspired countless others to consider their citizenship as a Netflix subscription—just cancel and run when you want.. Fact: T.G. Jolley’s story is a reminder that avoiding the draft can lead to not just a new country, but a new identity altogether—if only he had gone with being a professional couch surfer instead..
• Headline: The Mississippi Election. Impact: The defeat of black candidates in Mississippi could be seen as a major setback that led to decades of civil rights activism; it's almost like a historical sitcom where every episode ends with 'to be continued…'. Fact: Mississippi's electoral shenanigans were so notorious that they practically invented the term 'voter suppression'—it’s the kind of legacy that no one wants on their resume..
• Headline: NEW COPTIC POPE CROWNED IN CAIRO. Impact: The coronation of the new Coptic Pope might have inadvertently sparked a series of religious debates that turned into a contest of who could wear the fanciest hat—because nothing says 'spiritual authority' like a really big headdress.. Fact: Coptic Popes are like the original influencers—one good sermon and suddenly everyone's lining up for a selfie with the spiritual leader..
• Headline: TWO ARE PUSHED FOR THANT'S POST. Impact: The push for Thant's post could have led to a diplomatic showdown that inspired the next generation of diplomats to treat the UN like a reality show competition—drama, alliances, and lots of side-eye.. Fact: The UN Secretary-General election is basically the Olympics of global politics, complete with all the behind-the-scenes drama, minus the athleticism—unless you count dodging questions..
• Headline: PHASE TWO BEGINS; KEY DECISIONS DUE ON PAY AND PRICES. Impact: Rumsfeld's intervention in price control could have set off a chain reaction of bureaucracy that eventually leads to a world where getting a raise requires a government committee meeting—oh wait, that’s already happening.. Fact: Cost of Living Councils are like that friend who overanalyzes every decision—making everything way more complicated than it needs to be, especially when it comes to your paycheck..
• Headline: Front Page 1 ‐‐ No Title. Impact: Johnson attending a White House service could be seen as the moment when politicians decided that a little spirituality could help them ignore their moral failures—spirituality: the ultimate political cover.. Fact: White House worship services are like the ultimate networking event; just mix a little prayer with politics and see who can bless their way into a better deal..