NOVEMBER 5, 1971

Full News Archive

• Headline: Columbia's Hiring Policies Under Scrutiny. Impact: As Columbia University scrambled to meet hiring regulations, it inadvertently sparked a nationwide trend of institutions investing in diversity training. This led to a butterfly effect where a future generation of students became overly reliant on buzzwords, making 'synergy' and 'paradigm shift' the most common phrases in corporate jargon. Fact: Did you know that Columbia’s hiring policies were so outdated, they were still using job descriptions that included 'must have a monocle and top hat'?.
• Headline: House Votes to Ban Busing Funding. Impact: This decision was the catalyst for a series of increasingly absurd debates on education funding, ultimately resulting in the invention of 'virtual classrooms' where students learned about real history from fake news websites. Fact: In a shocking twist, Congress stated that they only voted for this bill because it sounded very similar to a popular school lunch: 'Banana Split.'.
• Headline: Nationalizations Planned. Impact: Chilean nationalization plans sent ripple effects through the economy, leading to a dramatic increase in international conspiracy theories about who really controls the world's bananas and copper mines. Who knew fruit could stir such chaos?. Fact: Chilean Econ Min Vuskovic might have just been trying to get a good deal on a new coffee machine for the office, but ended up sparking a revolution instead!.
• Headline: IMPORT AUTHORITY FOR NIXON BACKED. Impact: Nixon's newfound authority to impose import quotas marked a slippery slope, eventually leading to the creation of a secret society of economists who met quarterly to discuss why avocados were so expensive. They never found an answer. Fact: Rumor has it that Nixon’s love for imported goods was only rivaled by his obsession with collecting stamps of countries that no longer existed.
• Headline: WATERY MAGNETS TIE UP A‐SMASHER. Impact: The moisture-laden magnets delayed experiments, which inadvertently led to a decade-long investigation into how many scientists it takes to change a lightbulb. Spoiler: they’re still counting. Fact: These watery magnets were so troublesome, they could have easily been mistaken for the 'wet blanket' of the scientific community.
• Headline: Advertising: Philip Morris Sponsors Show of U.S. Indian Art. Impact: This sponsorship might have unintentionally led to a resurgence in cultural appreciation, resulting in future generations mistakenly believing that smoking is an art form. The irony is as thick as the smoke. Fact: Philip Morris believed that sponsoring art was a great way to 'ignite' their brand popularity. Get it? Ignite?.
• Headline: Books of The Times. Impact: The publication of 'The Sway of the Grand Saloon' not only chronicled a social history but also inspired countless hipsters to start their own 'saloon-style' coffee shops, creating a new wave of overpriced lattes served in mason jars. Fact: The author probably never imagined that his book would result in so many people contemplating their lives over artisanal toast.
• Headline: NEW POST FILLED IN INTELLIGENCE. Impact: The creation of a new Assistant Secretary for Intelligence position led to a series of increasingly bizarre intelligence policies, culminating in a classified mission to discover what cats are really thinking. Spoiler: it's mostly 'feed me.'. Fact: This post was created just in time for the Cold War’s 'Intelligence Olympics'; events included 'most convoluted report' and 'best poker face during a briefing.'.