NOVEMBER 3, 1971

Full News Archive

• Headline: Midonick's Surrogate Victory in Manhattan. Impact: Midonick's win inspired a series of increasingly absurd surrogate elections, culminating in a bizarre reality show where candidates had to survive in a giant Manhattan apartment with nobody but their opponents for company. Spoiler: it was a ratings disaster.. Fact: Surrogates aren't just for elections; they also exist in the world of parenting. So, you could say Midonick was, in a way, elected to babysit Manhattan..
• Headline: Cuban Delegates Face Deportation Crisis. Impact: The mass deportation of Cubans led to a secret underground movement of 'Cuban sandwich smugglers' who, in a twist of fate, became the catalyst for the gourmet food truck trend in the U.S. Who knew sandwiches could change the course of history?. Fact: Despite being deported, these Cubans were still able to throw an epic farewell party. It’s the ultimate way to say ‘goodbye’ – by making sure everyone remembers you with delicious food..
• Headline: Democratic Gains in New Jersey Elections. Impact: The unexpected Democratic gains triggered a series of events that led to the rise of 'political surprise parties,' where candidates would throw confetti at the opposition to distract from their actual policies. Who needs substance when you have glitter?. Fact: The ‘surprise’ in surprise parties is often just a euphemism for ‘we didn’t see this coming.' Kind of like how New Jersey voters felt in this election!.
• Headline: China Names U.N. Delegates Due Soon. Impact: Huang Hua’s appointment to the UN brought about a sudden increase in international diplomacy through interpretive dance. Countries soon realized that nothing resolves issues quite like a good pirouette.. Fact: Huang Hua was known for his ability to negotiate peace while simultaneously performing a flawless moonwalk. Talk about multitasking!.
• Headline: Republicans Win in All Major Contests in Nassau. Impact: The Republican victories sparked a nationwide trend of 'victory lap' parades, where politicians would ride on floats while throwing candy. This eventually led to the rise of the political influencer, as everyone wanted to be the next float star.. Fact: Nassau became known as the land of the floats, where politics and carnival rides merged into one chaotic spectacle. Who knew governance could be so entertaining?.
• Headline: SENATE APPROVES BILL TO CLEAN UP WATERWAYS BY '85. Impact: The Senate's approval of the Muskie bill sent shockwaves through the environmental movement, leading to a series of ambitious recycling initiatives and the birth of the 'eco-warrior' persona. Spoiler: they still haven’t entirely figured out how to recycle pizza boxes.. Fact: This bill was so popular that even trees started voting in favor of it. They finally felt like they had a voice – until it was revealed they were just getting chopped down for the ballots..
• Headline: Absenteeism Reported High As Danbury School Reopens. Impact: The high absenteeism rates in Danbury led to the invention of online schooling, which, ironically, has made skipping class a lot easier. Thanks, technology! Now you can do it from the comfort of your bed.. Fact: The student clash that prompted the absenteeism report? It was just a heated debate over who had the best cafeteria food. Truly, the great issues of our time..
• Headline: An Old Pro Is Beaten in South Jersey. Impact: Sen Farley's defeat marked the end of an era, leading to a new generation of politicians who insisted on being 'younger and hipper' – resulting in countless cringe-worthy social media posts. No one asked for a Senator on TikTok.. Fact: After 34 years, Farley had accumulated enough political experience to write a memoir. Spoiler alert: it was mostly just a list of his favorite coffee shops..
• Headline: Peking's U.N. Backers Invited to the Opera; © 1971 The Globe ?? Mall, Toronto. Impact: The opera invitation for Peking's UN backers turned into an annual event, where nations competed in musical diplomacy. Who knew international relations could be so melodious?. Fact: The opera was described as a 'cultural exchange,' but really, it was just a fancy way to say, 'Let’s bring out the snacks and see who sings the best!'.