OCTOBER 16, 1971

Full News Archive

• Headline: Comsat Reports Revenue Surge. Impact: The increase in traffic revenue was actually the result of a time-traveling influencer who convinced everyone to buy more cars. This sparked a global obsession with bumper stickers, leading to the eventual rise of social media and the phrase 'I brake for unicorns'.. Fact: Did you know that in the 70s, people thought traffic jams were caused by a giant snail moving at a dangerously slow pace? Spoiler: It was just human error..
• Headline: Nixon's Wage and Price Control Decision. Impact: Nixon asking Chief Justice Burger to pick a panel set off a chain reaction that would eventually lead to the creation of 'The Hunger Games' - because if there’s anything politicians do well, it’s turning serious matters into entertainment.. Fact: Did you know that Chief Justice Burger once tried to make a burger-flavored ice cream? It didn't quite 'pan out'..
• Headline: The Toxic Americans. Impact: McDuffie's warning about food contamination ignited a secret society of food labeling vigilantes who, in an effort to expose the truth, started a trend of 'mystery meat' parties, leading to a new genre of culinary horror stories.. Fact: Did you know that mercury was once considered a cure-all? That’s right, because who doesn’t want to trade a headache for potential insanity?.
• Headline: Mayor of Paterson Acts to Assist Puerto Ricans. Impact: Mayor Dwyer’s attempt to assist Puerto Ricans resulted in a nationwide trend of mayors offering Spanish-speaking aides, which later led to the invention of the universal translator... and a spike in taco sales.. Fact: Did you know that Paterson, NJ is also known as the 'Silk City'? Apparently, they took 'smooth' to a whole new level..
• Headline: 18 Seized at West Point Given Date to Leave U.S.. Impact: The deportation orders for the Latin American aliens inadvertently sparked a movement for immigration reform, which oddly enough led to the formation of a secret society advocating for the rights of aliens... both extraterrestrial and otherwise.. Fact: Did you know that in the 70s, 'alien' was just a euphemism for anyone who didn't know how to use a rotary phone?.
• Headline: Men and Words in Prison. Impact: A. Miller's article on imprisoned writers inspired a future generation of rebellious poets who used prison as a backdrop for their Instagram accounts, leading to the rise of 'guerilla poetry' as a popular art form.. Fact: Did you know that PEN was founded in 1921, and they’re still trying to figure out how to write without getting arrested? Talk about dedication!.
• Headline: Alexander's Welcomed at Roosevelt Field. Impact: The opening of Alexander's at Roosevelt Field was the tipping point for the mall culture that would eventually spark thousands of 'mall-walkers' to emerge, leading to the first global 'Shopping Olympics'.. Fact: Did you know that mall rats were once considered an endangered species? Thankfully, shopping malls have made a comeback, and so have the rats... I mean, shoppers..