SEPTEMBER 17, 1971

Full News Archive

• Headline: Hostage Funeral Service Postponed. Impact: The delayed burial led to a series of unfortunate events where the guard's ghost decided to haunt the local authorities, causing paperwork to mysteriously vanish for decades, all because no one could figure out where to put the body. Ghosts really value good bureaucratic processes.. Fact: Did you know that in some cultures, delaying a burial is considered bad luck? So, this guard might just be the reason for an uptick in rabbit's foot sales in Auburn, NY..
• Headline: Explosion at Oak Ridge National Labs. Impact: This blast, while injuring 11, sparked a series of safety regulations that would eventually lead to a sitcom about a bumbling nuclear plant manager. Because nothing says 'funny' like nuclear safety violations.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more explosive than this incident was the debate over who gets to take the credit for the safety measures that came afterward..
• Headline: Marcos Targets Aquino Amid Political Tensions. Impact: Marcos's assertion that his wife might run led to a bizarre chain reaction where future political campaigns included family members who had never even declared interest in politics. Thanks, Marcos, for normalizing nepotism!. Fact: Did you know that in political circles, calling someone a 'Communist' is basically the 70s equivalent of saying 'you're ugly'?.
• Headline: Pentagon Papers Figure On Hunger Strike in Prison. Impact: A.J. Russo's hunger strike not only highlighted the lengths to which people would go for the truth, but also led to a surge in prison meal quality. After all, no one wants to be on the receiving end of a hunger strike twice.. Fact: Fun fact: Hunger strikes are less about food and more about making a statement. So, basically, they're like the ultimate form of political dieting..
• Headline: JAPAN'S ENVOY SEES GAP IN TIES WITH U.S.. Impact: This gap in ties eventually led to a whole new genre of diplomatic meetings that involved awkward silences and way too many cups of tea. Thanks for the cultural exchange, Japan!. Fact: Did you know that diplomatic tea ceremonies are often more about avoiding conflict than actually resolving it? It's like the world's most polite standoff..
• Headline: SOVIET DISSIDENT CITES HIS ORDEAL. Impact: Medvedev's journal exposed the harsh realities of Soviet life, which inadvertently inspired future dissidents to write their own memoirs, leading to a national book club that was entirely underground and very exclusive.. Fact: Did you know that writing about your struggles can sometimes be more liberating than actually escaping them? Just ask any author!.
• Headline: Veto of Plan Denied. Impact: The indecision over the permit led to a series of negotiations that were so convoluted, they inspired a new board game called 'Bureaucracy: The Game of Endless Paperwork'. Spoiler: Nobody wins.. Fact: Did you know that the U.S. government is essentially a giant game of Monopoly, except when you land on 'Go', it costs you money instead of giving you any?.
• Headline: Attica Residents Inclined to Doubt Autopsy Findings. Impact: The doubt surrounding the autopsy findings led to a deep mistrust of authorities in Attica, which inspired future generations to question everything from government reports to the validity of pizza delivery times.. Fact: Fun fact: Mistrust in autopsy findings can lead to some interesting conspiracy theories. Just wait until you hear about the one involving the pizza guy!.
• Headline: MORE FOR RELIEF IS APPROVED HERE. Impact: The additional funding for social services led to an unexpected boom in the 'People Helping People' industry, resulting in a new trend of altruism that eventually fell out of fashion when everyone started binge-watching TV instead.. Fact: Did you know that social services funding could literally keep the lights on for community programs? But hey, who needs community when you have Netflix?.