AUGUST 24, 1971

Full News Archive

• Headline: Tragic Ending to Teacher's First Vacation. Impact: If only this teacher had chosen a beach instead of a mountain, perhaps the whole educational system would have taken a vacation from its own drama. Instead, students everywhere are now traumatized by the thought of teachers taking time off. Fact: Fun fact: Teachers need vacations too—though apparently, they come at a cost.
• Headline: Bribery Conviction of Masiello. Impact: Masiello's conviction may have inadvertently inspired a new reality show: 'Bribery Gone Wrong.' Who knew crime could be so entertaining? This case likely set back the Mafia's PR efforts by a few decades. Fact: Did you know bribery is like a bad haircut? You think you can hide it, but eventually, it just doesn't wash out.
• Headline: MURPHY TO CHECK ON AIDES'. Impact: Murphy's tough warning against graft likely sent ripples through the entire bureaucracy, triggering a panic that led to an unexpected avalanche of paperwork. Sometimes, the biggest threat to corruption is just a lot of red tape. Fact: It's almost like politicians think paperwork can solve all problems. Who knew bureaucracy was the ultimate superhero?.
• Headline: ‘Deceit’ Laid to Colonel at Trial In Cover‐Up of Mylai Killings. Impact: The trial regarding the Mylai cover-up likely changed the course of military ethics forever. Thanks to Henderson's deceit, the military's PR team is still working overtime to repair the damage—a true case of 'you break it, you buy it.'. Fact: The Mylai Massacre is a grim reminder that history sometimes doesn't teach us the lessons we think it does.
• Headline: Physicals Go On Despite Draft Lapse. Impact: By continuing physicals despite the draft lapse, the government inadvertently sparked a whole generation's disdain for physical exams. Little did they know, this would lead to a national aversion to gym class. Fact: Physical exams: the only time you can get poked and prodded for free while contemplating your life choices.
• Headline: Abrams Endorses Bid by McGovern For'72 Nomination. Impact: Abrams backing McGovern may have inadvertently inspired future campaigns to focus on urban issues. Or, it could just mean we’ll keep hearing the same old promises with different faces every election cycle. Fact: Politics is like a game of musical chairs—eventually, you get tired of the music and just sit down.
• Headline: Nixon Plan May Prove a Bonanza for Metals. Impact: Nixon's wage-price freeze created a delightful bubble for metals, leading to a frenzy of investment craziness that would eventually confuse generations into thinking they understood economics. Fact: Economics: the only field where you can be wrong 90% of the time and still be considered a 'genius.'.
• Headline: E.E.C. TO URGE U.S. TO SHIFT SPENDING.