AUGUST 18, 1971

Full News Archive

• Headline: State Officials Reject Private-College Proposal. Impact: If only they had approved that private college plan, we might have seen a whole new generation of elite students who would later invent a device that accidentally turns coffee into gold. Alas, we are still stuck with just regular coffee.. Fact: Did you know that bureaucratic denial is like a superpower for state officials? They can deny anything, even their own existence if they tried!.
• Headline: Chad Faces Dual Health Crises. Impact: The cholera epidemic in Chad led to a massive public health overhaul, which ultimately inspired the invention of those 'sick days' we all love to take when we just need a break from life.. Fact: Cholera's favorite pastime is crashing parties—like it did in Chad. Fun fact: it never gets invited back..
• Headline: 1733 Shipwreck Crate Remains Sealed. Impact: The unopened crate from 1733 became an archaeological legend, leading treasure hunters to believe that every unmarked crate on the ocean floor might hold the next big Netflix series—'Crate Expectations'.. Fact: Did you know that this crate is so stubborn it could probably win a staring contest with a rock?.
• Headline: POLICE EXPANDING THE TEAM SYSTEM. Impact: Expanding the Neighborhood Police Team system meant that now everyone could experience the joy of having their neighborhood watched over by a group of people who are just as confused about their job as they are.. Fact: Did you know that the Neighborhood Police Team is just a fancy name for 'We’re all in this together, so good luck!'?.
• Headline: WALLACE TO SEEK RULING ON BUSING. Impact: Wallace's legal battles over busing led to endless debates, which ultimately inspired future generations to argue about everything from politics to pizza toppings. Thanks, Wallace!. Fact: Did you know that every time Wallace seeks a ruling, a lawyer gets a new pair of shoes? It's true; they really do walk all over these cases..
• Headline: Buses in Pittsburgh Put. Back in Service After 8‐Day Strike. Impact: The end of the Pittsburgh bus strike inspired a massive wave of documented grievances, which eventually led to the creation of the phrase 'Free Angela Davis' being printed on everything from t-shirts to coffee mugs. Who knew labor disputes could be so trendy?. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing that stopped the bus drivers was a button—talk about a powerful accessory!.
• Headline: SOVIET OFFER OF AID TO MALTA REPORTED. Impact: The Soviet offer of aid to Malta changed the geopolitical landscape, leading to a future where every small island nation dreamed of hosting foreign powers for dinner parties—complete with awkward silences and forced laughter.. Fact: Did you know that Malta’s official dish is now 'Pawns and Diplomacy'? You can find it at fancy international relations events..
• Headline: Thomas Moseley Dies at 93; Starof ‘In Abraham's Bosom’. Impact: Thomas Moseley's passing marked the end of an era in theater, reminding us all that stars, like good actors, eventually take their final bows—leaving behind a trail of critics and awards.. Fact: Did you know that ‘In Abraham's Bosom’ is a play that’s so deep it might just need a lifeguard on duty?.
• Headline: SIEGMUND LIST, NAZI GENERAL, 91. Impact: Siegmund List's death served as a grim reminder that even the most notorious figures are eventually just footnotes in history—unless they’re really, really bad, then they get a whole chapter.. Fact: Did you know that being a Nazi general is like being the villain in a movie? No matter how good your backstory is, you still end up with the worst fate imaginable..