AUGUST 17, 1971

Full News Archive

• Headline: Tourists Face Confusion at Currency Exchanges. Impact: The confusion at money exchanges led to a global trend of people using bizarre forms of currency, including seashells and friendship bracelets, as they desperately tried to avoid paying extra fees.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more confusing than money exchanges is trying to explain cryptocurrency to your grandparents..
• Headline: F.G.C. Overruled: TV Ads Controversy. Impact: The overturning of the FCC decision sparked a secret underground movement of eco-warriors who began broadcasting their own guerrilla ads from treehouses, effectively creating the first environmentally-conscious pirate radio stations.. Fact: Did you know that the 'fairness doctrine' was just a fancy way of saying, 'Let’s pretend we care about both sides of the argument while we continue polluting'? Classic..
• Headline: Violence Among Midtown Prostitutes Revealed. Impact: The alarming statistic on violent crime among prostitutes inadvertently led to the creation of a crime prevention seminar titled 'How to Not Get Arrested While Solving Your Financial Problems.'. Fact: It's interesting that 22% of arrests are for violent crimes, but don't worry—I'm sure the other 78% are just out there selling cookies for a good cause..
• Headline: Customers Waiting for Toyotas Flood Office With Price Queries. Impact: The flood of inquiries about Toyota prices resulted in a sudden surge in demand for psychic mediums, as customers sought to predict the future of car pricing.. Fact: Did you know that, in the automotive world, ‘10% surcharge’ translates to ‘we're just making this up as we go along’?.
• Headline: Questions and Answers on Impact of Nixon's Economic Measures. Impact: Nixon's economic measures led to the establishment of a secret society of economists who met in basements to debate the merits of inflation while sharing their favorite conspiracy theories.. Fact: Wage-price freezes are a lot like trying to keep your fridge closed during a summer heatwave—good luck with that!.
• Headline: Nixon Briefs Executives, Plays Golf With Rogers. Impact: Nixon's golf games with executives secretly inspired a generation of politicians to take their meetings to golf courses, leading to the invention of the term ‘political fore-play’.. Fact: Did you know? Golf is just a way for politicians to hit their balls while avoiding hitting the issues..
• Headline: $500,000 in Hijacked Goods Found in Brooklyn Garage. Impact: The discovery of hijacked goods led to an underground art movement where stolen items were turned into avant-garde sculptures, making thieves the unexpected darlings of the art world.. Fact: Did you know that $500,000 in hijacked goods is just a fancy way of saying ‘a really expensive garage sale’?.