AUGUST 12, 1971

Full News Archive

• Headline: FDIC Sues Golfer Over Unpaid Loan. Impact: If D Sanders had just paid back that loan, perhaps golf would have taken a different turn, leading to a world where golfers were seen as responsible financial role models. But alas, now they're just known for wearing plaid pants and dodging their debts.. Fact: Did you know that golf is just a fancy way of saying 'I enjoy chasing a small ball while dressed like a confused lumberjack'?.
• Headline: Democratic Reactions to Lindsay's Potential Candidacy. Impact: The mixed reactions to McGovern and friends could have led to a political renaissance, but instead, it just paved the way for future politicians to be even more confusing. Thanks, guys!. Fact: Surprise! 'Mixed reactions' in politics usually means everyone is just as confused as you are..
• Headline: Congress Boosts Nixon's Budget by $4.2 Billion. Impact: Congress adding $4.2 billion to Nixon's budget might have created a financial black hole that sucked in future generations. Who knew fiscal irresponsibility could have such lasting effects?. Fact: Fun fact: when it comes to budgets, bigger is never better—unless you're talking about pizza..
• Headline: RIOTING IN ULSTER FLARES FOR 3D DAY; TOLL RISES T0 23. Impact: The riots in Ulster were like the world's worst case of viral marketing for violence; the more they rioted, the more attention they drew to their cause, leading to endless rounds of conflict. Bravo!. Fact: Did you know that the number 23 is often associated with chaos? Seems fitting for a death toll, doesn't it?.
• Headline: A Democratic Legislature Is One of Lindsay's Goals. Impact: Lindsay's goal of a Democratic Legislature could have led to a utopian society where politicians actually cared about the people—if only that had happened instead of the usual backroom deals.. Fact: Fun fact: 'detached' in politics usually means 'I have no idea what's going on, but I still want your vote.'.
• Headline: Fran and Joe: Calculated and Romantic. Impact: Fran and Joe’s romantic antics could have sparked a new trend in calculated romance, leading to a world where love is just another form of strategy. Romance as a board game—how charming!. Fact: Did you know that romantic gestures are just complicated ways to avoid taking out the trash?.
• Headline: LINDSAY SWITCHES TO DEMOCRATS, URGES NEW NATIONAL LEADERSHIP; AS FOR PRESIDENCY: ‘I DON'T KNOW’. Impact: Lindsay's party switch could have been the catalyst for a new era of political bipartisanship, but instead, it just served as another reminder that party loyalty is as fluid as the latest fashion trends.. Fact: Fun fact: Changing political parties is like changing your hairstyle—everyone notices, but no one really understands why you did it..
• Headline: New Archeology in the Holy Land. Impact: The new archaeology in the Holy Land could have led to a treasure trove of ancient secrets, but instead, it just turned into a hipster excavation site where everyone wanted to 'find themselves' in the dirt.. Fact: Did you know that archaeology is just really old people trying to dig up new excuses for their bad decisions?.
• Headline: Six Ex‐Justice Ministers Say Athens Violates Laws. Impact: The six ex-Justice Ministers calling out Athens could have sparked a revolution for justice, but instead, it just turned into a game of hot potato with everyone's dignity. Classic.. Fact: Did you know that criticizing the government never gets old? It's like a fine wine, just with more complaints and less sophistication..