JULY 31, 1971

Full News Archive

• Headline: O'Sullivan Memorial Scholarship Established. Impact: The establishment of the M O'Sullivan Memorial Scholarship inadvertently inspired a generation of aspiring actors who believed they could become famous simply by having friends who were actors. Hollywood, beware of the next wave of entitled wannabes!. Fact: Did you know that memorial scholarships are basically like saying, 'Hey, you can’t have my money, but you can have my legacy!'?.
• Headline: Astronauts Land on the Moon. Impact: As Scott and Irwin set foot on the moon, their exploration led to the eventual creation of lunar tourism—because nothing screams vacation like a trip to a desolate rock in space. Just wait for the 'Moon Resorts' to pop up!. Fact: Did you know that the moon’s surface is so barren that even space tourists will need to pack their own fun? No souvenir shops in sight!.
• Headline: Judge Acquits Indians in Statue Defacement Case. Impact: The decision to drop charges against the Indians for defacing a statue led to a long, drawn-out debate about the value of public monuments, sparking a wave of graffiti artists who now see themselves as modern-day freedom fighters. Thanks, Judge!. Fact: Did you know that defacing a statue is basically the ancient version of a bad Yelp review? 'One star, too rigid and lifeless!'.
• Headline: U.S. Five Takes 3d Place In Wheelchair Olympics. Impact: The success of the U.S. Five in the Wheelchair Olympics inspired a national movement towards inclusivity in sports, leading to a future where even your grandma could compete in the 'Couch Potato Olympics.'. Fact: Did you know that wheelchair athletes are often better at navigating obstacles than most able-bodied people in a grocery store parking lot?.
• Headline: ONLY 1% ON RELIEF HELD EMPLOYABLE. Impact: The shocking statistic about relief recipients led to a national conversation about employment, which spiraled into endless debates over job qualifications—because who doesn’t love a good argument over resume formats?. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'employable' is often just code for 'we'll hire you if we feel like it'? Good luck finding that job!.
• Headline: DRAFT CONFEREES AGREE ON A POLICY ON TROOP PULLOUT. Impact: The troop withdrawal agreement not only changed military strategy but also inspired countless sitcoms and dramas where the tension of packing up and leaving became the new soap opera material. Thanks for the content, Congress!. Fact: Did you know that military policy discussions are basically just really intense game nights for politicians? 'I’ll raise you one troop for two compromises!'.