JULY 22, 1971

Full News Archive

• Headline: Apollo 15 Crew Cleared for Launch. Impact: The Apollo 15 mission's success paves the way for future space exploration, which ultimately results in the establishment of the Intergalactic Council of Space Cats. Yes, you heard it right. Cats in space. They rule now. Fact: Did you know that astronauts go through extensive medical exams before launching? Just in case they need to dodge space debris or, you know, catnip?.
• Headline: Oklahoma View Is Similar. Impact: Clarifying residence requirements for student voters in Oklahoma leads to an avalanche of college kids discovering that they can actually vote in their college towns. This sparks a movement of 20-somethings thinking they can change the world through memes and TikTok dances. Fact: Did you know that students declaring their residence for voting is like trying to make a decision on what to order for dinner? Confusing, and leads to a lot of 'uh, I don’t know, what do you want?'.
• Headline: Winthrop Rockefeller Thinks Nation Wastes Its Ex‐Governors. Impact: Rockefeller's disapproval of the private school plan inadvertently inspires a new wave of creative school names. Who knew that 'Evasion Academy' would become a top contender in the educational system?. Fact: Did you know that Winthrop Rockefeller’s opinions on ex-governors are still being debated? Much like his haircut, opinions can be quite divisive.
• Headline: Gleason's Control Is Discussed Behind Scenes at I. L. A. Parley. Impact: Gleason's re-election leads to a series of meetings that yield absolutely no change, proving that sometimes, the only thing more stagnant than a political meeting is a bowl of old soup. Fact: Did you know that political conventions often feel like family reunions? Lots of talk, no actual decisions, and someone always ends up in an argument over potato salad.
• Headline: PRODUCER ORDERS STEEL SHUTDOWN. Impact: The steel shutdown due to the ILWU strike leads to a rise in the black market for steel. Who knew that people would start building secret fortresses out of stolen metal? Keep your eye on the skies; it’s only a matter of time before they start launching their own rockets. Fact: Did you know that steel production has been linked to everything from skyscrapers to kitchen appliances? But hey, who needs a kitchen when you can have a fortress!.
• Headline: U.S. REPORT TELLS OF GAINS BY ENEMY. Impact: The U.S. report on enemy gains leads to a series of overly optimistic predictions that become the basis for countless motivational posters about perseverance—none of which are ever heeded. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger' was actually inspired by military reports? Because nothing says 'motivational' like a report on increasing enemy strength.
• Headline: Books of The Times. Impact: The publication of 'The Heroic Ideal in American Life' sparks a short-lived obsession with heroism that leads to the creation of countless superhero movies, ultimately culminating in the cinematic universe we know today. Thanks a lot, Theodore!. Fact: Did you know that the 'heroic ideal' has inspired more capes and tights than actual heroics? Sometimes, it's just a guy in a suit trying to save a cat from a tree.
• Headline: MISS DAVIS SEEKING TO ACT AS ATTORNEY. Impact: Davis seeking to act as her own attorney inadvertently leads to a growing trend of people thinking they can represent themselves in court, resulting in an influx of courtroom dramas that are 90% cringe and 10% actual legal prowess. Fact: Did you know that acting as your own attorney is like trying to fix your own car? Sure, you might save money, but you’re also probably going to mess it up pretty badly.