JULY 21, 1971

Full News Archive

• Headline: Jobless Figures Underestimated in NYC. Impact: The jobless figures being too low somehow led to a spike in the number of people deciding that maybe they'd rather become professional TikTok dancers than find traditional employment. Who knew the butterfly effect could lead to viral dance challenges?. Fact: In 1969, the term 'jobless' was still considered a polite way of saying 'unemployed.' Nowadays, we just call it 'content creator.'.
• Headline: Military Trials Face New Legal Challenges. Impact: The ruling on military trials created a slippery slope where future generations would argue over what constitutes a military crime, leading to the bizarre scenario where a soldier could be court-martialed for forgetting to update their Facebook status.. Fact: Military jurisdiction has been a contentious issue since the dawn of time, or at least since soldiers started complaining about their commanding officers on social media..
• Headline: El Greco Painting Ownership Dispute. Impact: The dispute over ownership of an El Greco painting led to a series of art heists that would later inspire a group of self-proclaimed 'art thieves' who only steal paintings to hang them in their own living rooms. Because, you know, sharing is caring.. Fact: El Greco's full name is actually Domenikos Theotokopoulos, which sounds less like a famous painter and more like a character from a sci-fi movie..
• Headline: SENATE, 87‐0, VOTES $18‐BILLION OUTLAY. Impact: The Senate's $18 billion outlay vote set off a chain reaction of spending that eventually led to the modern-day phenomenon of congressmen arguing over who can spend the most money on the least important things. Spoiler alert: it's always a tie.. Fact: Back in the day, senators used to argue over outlays instead of Twitter hashtags. Progress, right?.
• Headline: Bon Vivant's Soup Plant Not Inspected for 4 Years. Impact: The lack of inspections at the Bon Vivant soup plant caused a culinary revolution, leading to the rise of organic kale smoothies as a direct response to people fearing anything that came from a can.. Fact: If you ever wondered why canned soup has a 'best by' date, it’s because even soup wants to avoid being associated with anything from the Bon Vivant plant..
• Headline: 13 Midwestern Governors Split Over How to Get More Money. Impact: The Midwestern governors' indecision about funding sources inspired future politicians to adopt the motto 'Why choose one when you can argue about them all?' leading to the glorious chaos we know as modern governance.. Fact: The Midwest is famously known for its corn, but it seems they also grow a healthy crop of indecision and confusion..
• Headline: City Hall Hearing Is Converted Into a Day‐Care Center Scene. Impact: The chaotic day-care fee hearing led to the realization that parents could effectively use public hearings as a form of family therapy. Who knew city hall could also double as a daycare support group?. Fact: Parents have been hooting at officials for decades; it's almost as if they’re auditioning for a reality TV show called 'As the City Hall Turns.'.
• Headline: Stanton to Retire as President of C.B.S. in 1973. Impact: Dr. Stanton's retirement plans set off a domino effect at CBS that eventually led to the rise of reality television, proving that the television industry can indeed go from classy to trashy in just a few short years.. Fact: Stanton’s retirement was the last time anyone at CBS actually thought about strengthening their representation in Washington. Now they just call it 'networking.'.
• Headline: Job Gap Leaves Youths With Little to Do and All Summer to Do It. Impact: The job gap for NYC youths led to the rise of online gaming as a viable career path, as kids decided if the world wouldn't give them a job, they'd just create one in a fantasy realm instead.. Fact: In 1969, summer jobs were a rite of passage. Nowadays, kids just stay home and build virtual empires while their parents wonder why they can’t find a job. Spoiler alert: they actually can, they just prefer slaying dragons instead..