JULY 18, 1971

Full News Archive

• Headline: Allende's Government Faces Electoral Challenge. Impact: If Allende had lost this election, a time-traveling butterfly might have landed on a desk in the White House, causing Nixon to order the release of a secret stash of tacos, which would have changed the course of Mexican cuisine forever. You can thank Dr. O Marin for that hypothetical taco crisis.. Fact: The unity of the opposition was such a rare event that it probably set off alarm bells in every political science department across the globe. They might have even needed a support group..
• Headline: Media Coverage of Nixon's Peking Visit. Impact: The lack of coverage on Nixon’s visit in Peking might have caused an intern to accidentally delete an important email chain that would have otherwise led to a groundbreaking peace treaty over a shared love of dumplings. Talk about missed opportunities!. Fact: It's said that the less coverage an event gets, the more likely it is that someone will make a terrible meme about it. Just imagine Nixon's face on a fortune cookie..
• Headline: Wallops Island Is Where the Monkeys and Leeches Are Launched. Impact: Wallops Island became the launch site for countless 'space monkeys' who would later become the unsung heroes of the intergalactic coffee break revolution, leading to a thriving trade in alien caffeine.. Fact: If you think ‘monkeys and leeches’ sounds like a band name, you're not wrong. They probably would have topped the charts if they'd only formed a band..
• Headline: Parsons One Year Later. Impact: D.H. Parsons' empire collapse might have inadvertently inspired future entrepreneurs to avoid the banking sector altogether, leading to a boom in artisanal cheese shops instead. So, thanks for your sacrifice, Parsons!. Fact: The downfall of a $3 billion banking empire is like a soap opera that nobody wanted to watch, yet everyone somehow ended up binge-watching every episode..
• Headline: The Skies of Texas. Impact: The competition among airlines was so fierce that it led to the invention of in-flight yoga classes, which, let’s face it, is probably the only thing that can help you survive a middle seat on a packed flight.. Fact: If only the airlines knew that the true competition was who could serve the worst peanuts, they would have saved millions on marketing..
• Headline: Abernathy Responds. Impact: Abernathy and Wilkins’ response to Agnew's statements could have triggered a series of events leading to the first-ever televised debate on who could throw shade better, changing the landscape of political discourse forever.. Fact: It's funny how responding to a political statement can feel like a game of hot potato, except nobody wants to be the one holding the potato when it cools down..
• Headline: A Vivaldi Lover Gets. To Like Ferraris at Lime Rock. Impact: The Vivaldi lover's newfound appreciation for Ferraris at Lime Rock might have set off a chain reaction of composers switching to sports cars, which ultimately led to Beethoven's symphonies being performed from the back of a moving convertible.. Fact: The combination of classical music and high-speed racing is probably the only way to get a speeding ticket and a standing ovation at the same time..