JULY 13, 1971

Full News Archive

• Headline: D.C. Seeks Funds for Arrest Contingency Plans. Impact: This request for a humane confinement plan sparked an underground movement that led to the invention of the 'Protestor's Survival Kit'—a trendy backpack filled with snacks, protest signs, and an emergency escape route map that became a bestseller on Etsy.. Fact: Apparently, 'humane confinement' is just a fancy way of saying 'let's not be complete jerks while we arrest people.'.
• Headline: Mills' Influence on Italy's Shoe Exports. Impact: By curbing shoe exports, Mills inadvertently ignited a global footwear crisis, leading to the rise of the ‘barefoot movement’ where people decided shoes were overrated. This later inspired a popular song about walking on the beach without shoes.. Fact: Isn't it fascinating how one man's shoe decision could potentially lead to an epidemic of foot-related hipster fashion choices?.
• Headline: Stable Arms Balance in Middle East. Impact: The unchanged arms balance led to an unanticipated rise in peace talks, which were promptly ignored, proving that sometimes, doing nothing is the best way to keep doing nothing.. Fact: In the world of international relations, 'no shift' is the equivalent of saying, 'Hey, at least we’re not making things worse!'.
• Headline: MacMillan Bloedel Cuts Salaries of Top 60 Officers by 5 to 10%. Impact: This executive pay cut set off a chain reaction of 'how low can we go?' that ultimately led to the founding of non-profit organizations dedicated to teaching CEOs how to live on ramen noodles.. Fact: Because nothing says 'we care about our workers' like cutting the salaries of the people who already have more money than they know what to do with!.
• Headline: F.T.C. TO STUDY TIES. OF OIL TO COAL MINES. Impact: This study launched a conspiracy theory that the oil and coal industries were in cahoots to keep energy prices high, which later inspired a blockbuster movie about corporate supervillains and their evil plans for world domination.. Fact: In a shocking plot twist, it turns out that when it comes to energy, everyone is just trying to keep their prices up—who would have guessed?.
• Headline: NIXON SIGNS BILL FUR $225‐BILLION TO PROVIDE JOBS. Impact: The signing of this bill inadvertently led to the phrase ‘Nixon’s jobs plan’ being used in job-training programs, which ultimately resulted in the creation of a popular sitcom centered around a group of quirky public service workers.. Fact: Ah, yes, the 1970s—when $2.25 billion was seen as a miracle, and no one had yet figured out that government jobs could be filled with just as much incompetence as private ones..
• Headline: News Analysis. Impact: The analysis of narcotics raids set off a chain reaction of police forces across the country trying to one-up each other, resulting in the rise of increasingly absurd drug busts that involved everything from helicopters to trained squirrels.. Fact: Spoiler alert: despite all those dramatic raids, drug dealers are apparently just as resourceful as ever. Who would have thought?.
• Headline: Man in the News. Impact: The biographical sketch of Thomas Lawson McCall led to his accidental rise as a pop culture icon, inspiring a line of McCall-themed merchandise that included action figures and a reality TV show called 'Keeping Up with McCall.'. Fact: Because who doesn’t want to know every detail about a man whose biggest claim to fame is being in the news?.
• Headline: Jazz Figures Offer a Tribute To Armstrong at Town Hall. Impact: This tribute event unknowingly initiated an annual jazz festival that became the most popular event in NYC, where everyone pretended to appreciate jazz while secretly wishing they had brought their noise-canceling headphones.. Fact: And they say jazz is dead! Clearly, it just needed a good ol’ tribute to wake it up from its slumber..