JUNE 16, 1971

Full News Archive

• Headline: Appointment of Civilian Army Chief. Impact: The appointment of Robert Frederick Froehlke as Army Chief led to a series of military decisions that inadvertently inspired a new generation of video game developers, who thought, 'If he can lead an army, I can definitely lead a pixelated one!'. Fact: Froehlke’s first name is Robert, but don't worry, he won’t be the last ‘Bob’ to make history; they seem to have a knack for it..
• Headline: McNichols Triumphs in Denver Mayoral Runoff. Impact: Mayor McNichols' narrow victory sparked a chain reaction of political upsets, ultimately leading to the invention of the phrase 'every vote counts'—a campaign slogan now used to justify everything from local elections to reality shows.. Fact: McNichols' name may sound like a trendy coffee shop, but he was really just a guy who liked to keep his politics caffeinated..
• Headline: Senators Approve Consumer Warranty Protections. Impact: The Senate's approval of stiff warranties inadvertently created a world where everyone expects a 10-year warranty on their toaster—leading to a future where toast becomes a luxury item.. Fact: If you think warranty clauses are long now, just wait until the lawyers get really bored—those things could rival War and Peace..
• Headline: Public Broadcast Service Still Searching for Identity. Impact: The existential crisis of the Public Broadcast Service led to them inventing binge-watching as we know it today—because when searching for identity, why not just watch 12 hours of documentaries about birds?. Fact: The $500,000 allocated for the national pub affairs broadcast center could have bought a lot of really good coffee for all those existential meetings..
• Headline: Nader Antitrust Report. Impact: Nader’s antitrust report made corporate monopolies less popular, leading to the rise of artisanal, independently-owned everything—because nothing says freedom like a $10 organic avocado.. Fact: Ralph Nader is basically the original hipster; he was fighting monopolies before it was cool to wear flannel and drink craft beer..
• Headline: Addiction in Vietnam Spurs Nixon and Congress to Take Drastic New Steps. Impact: Nixon’s response to drug addiction in Vietnam sparked a series of policies that would lead to the War on Drugs, which somehow turned into a nationwide debate over whether we should just legalize everything to solve the problem.. Fact: One could say that Nixon's real legacy is the creation of modern-day debates over marijuana—talk about unintended consequences!.
• Headline: U.S. May Block Contract To Import Algerian Gas. Impact: Blocking the contract for Algerian gas set off a chain reaction of energy debates, leading to the invention of renewable energy sources that we’re still arguing about today—because who needs clean air when you can have a gas contract?. Fact: Importing gas is a lot like dating: if it’s not a perfect match, it’s probably going to blow up in your face..
• Headline: RYUKYU PACT BACKED BY JAPANESE CABINET. Impact: The approval of the Ryukyu Pact led to tensions that not only sparked riots but also inspired countless movies about rebellious students, proving that teenagers have been causing chaos since time immemorial.. Fact: Rioting in Tokyo over political agreements is basically just a really intense version of a high school protest—complete with bad chanting and questionable fashion choices..
• Headline: Allied Stores’ Gain In Sales Continues. Impact: Allied Stores’ sales growth set the stage for the retail apocalypse, where shopping malls became the modern-day ruins of consumerism—complete with the ghosts of impulse purchases past.. Fact: If you think shopping is stressful now, imagine doing it in an era without online returns—talk about a terrifying adventure..