JUNE 11, 1971

Full News Archive

• Headline: Parker's Appointment to Tariff Commission. Impact: Parker's appointment led to a series of increasingly convoluted tariff policies that meant by the 1980s, American cheese was traded for French berets. The fashion industry never recovered.. Fact: Did you know that tariffs are just taxes that wear a suit and tie to work? Fancy, right?.
• Headline: Atlanta School Desegregation Order Issued. Impact: This decision triggered a nationwide re-evaluation of school assignments, ultimately leading to the invention of the phrase 'school choice,' which now means you can choose to pay extra for private school.. Fact: Did you know that busing was once so controversial it was considered a form of public transportation? Now it’s just another reason for parents to complain..
• Headline: New Premier in Kabul. Impact: Dr. Zahir's appointment was the butterfly that flapped its wings, leading to decades of political turmoil. If only he knew his name would be whispered in hushed tones for generations to come.. Fact: Did you know that being a premier in a tumultuous region is like being the captain of a ship where the water is on fire? Not a fun gig!.
• Headline: PRESIDENT ENDS 21‐YEAR EMBARGO ON PEKING TRADE. Impact: Nixon's decision to lift the embargo caused a chain reaction that led to Chinese takeout becoming the staple of American cuisine. Thank you, President Nixon, for our love of General Tso's chicken!. Fact: Did you know that the first American-Chinese restaurant was actually a bar? Just kidding, but it should have been!.
• Headline: Murphy Denounces Judge of ‘Harlem 5’. Impact: Murphy's public denouncement added fuel to the fire of the Harlem 5 case, ultimately influencing public opinion on judicial fairness, and leading to years of debates on judicial accountability.. Fact: Did you know that public denouncements are basically the ancient version of subtweeting? Just with more paperwork!.
• Headline: Governor, in Retort, Calls Mayor ‘Emotionally Upset’. Impact: This public spat between Rockefeller and Lindsay set a precedent for future political arguments, laying the groundwork for the next generation of politicians who would rather throw shade than collaborate.. Fact: Did you know that calling someone 'emotionally upset' is just the politically correct way of saying 'you're overreacting'?.
• Headline: Theft of Barbiturates. Impact: The Pentagon's call to action led to a nationwide reevaluation of security protocols, which ironically made public fallout shelters the hottest spots for illicit parties in the late 70s.. Fact: Did you know that 600 million phenobarbital tablets could put a small town to sleep? Talk about an over-the-top sleepover!.