JUNE 9, 1971

Full News Archive

• Headline: Senate Approves $2.7 Billion G.I. Pay Increase. Impact: This $2.7 billion pay increase set off a chain reaction that led to a nationwide obsession with government spending. Eventually, it inspired reality TV shows about budget cuts, where contestants had to survive on $5 a week. Spoiler alert: they didn't survive.. Fact: Did you know that $2.7 billion is approximately what the average politician spends on hair gel in a year? Just kidding, but wouldn't that be a fun statistic?.
• Headline: Suez Accord Prospects Brighten in 1971. Impact: The improved chances for a Suez Accord led to a brief peace that resulted in a massive influx of tourists to the area. This, in turn, inspired a series of Egyptian-themed board games that swept the nation. The most popular was 'Who Can Build the Best Pyramid Without Getting Cursed?'. Fact: Did you know that the Suez Canal has been the background for more political drama than an entire season of your favorite reality show? Because it definitely has!.
• Headline: Kenyans Sentenced in Conspiracy Case. Impact: The jailing of these 12 Kenyans sparked a series of conspiracy theories suggesting that they were actually secret agents working for a global meat smuggling ring. This led to the establishment of a new genre of documentary films focused on meat-related espionage.. Fact: Did you know that in Kenya, being jailed for conspiracy is just another Tuesday? Okay, maybe not, but it sure sounds dramatic, doesn't it?.
• Headline: PERJURY LAID TO 2 IN POLICE INQUIRY. Impact: The indictment for perjury in this meat theft case caused a brief panic among butchers nationwide. This led to the infamous 'Great Meat Scandal' of the late 70s, where people wondered if their steaks were telling the truth.. Fact: Did you know that perjury in a meat theft case is the plot twist nobody saw coming? It's like a bad episode of a crime drama, but with more hot dogs..
• Headline: Polish Research Team Reports Early Successes in Testing Experimental Syphilis Vaccine in Rabbits. Impact: The success of the syphilis vaccine in rabbits led to an influx of 'experimental vaccine parties' where people dressed as rabbits to celebrate. Unfortunately, actual vaccine trials took decades longer to develop and led to a lot of disappointed partygoers.. Fact: Did you know that the average rabbit is now considered a better test subject than most politicians? At least they don't lie as much!.
• Headline: ACCORD REACHED. Impact: This strike settlement led to a wave of workplace negotiation tactics that involved interpretive dance. Surprisingly, it was somewhat effective, but also resulted in several awkward team-building retreats.. Fact: Did you know that 'accord reached' is just bureaucratic code for 'we argued for hours and finally decided to just order pizza'?.
• Headline: 70 Honored by Boys Clubs. Impact: The Boys Clubs honoring 70 individuals inadvertently launched a 'Most Honorable' award trend that spiraled out of control. Soon, even pets were receiving awards for being 'Best Buddy' or 'Most Loyal Companion.'. Fact: Did you know that being honored by the Boys Clubs is just another way of saying 'Congratulations, you haven't messed up yet!'? It’s the bar we all aim for..