MAY 22, 1971

Full News Archive

• Headline: Segal's Departure and Media Influence. Impact: Had the press not 'driven' Segal out of Yale, he might have written a sequel to 'Love Story' that included a time-traveling dog. The world may have been spared an awkward canine love triangle.. Fact: Erich Segal's departure from Yale led to countless students thinking they could also blame the media for their failures. Spoiler: they couldn't..
• Headline: Federal Warning on Billboard Regulations. Impact: This warning about billboards likely led to the eventual proliferation of desensitized drivers who can now simultaneously text and ignore the visual pollution around them. Thanks, Volpe!. Fact: Billboards have been known to distract more drivers than a cat video on the internet. Who knew advertising could be so hazardous?.
• Headline: Fluoride Fallout: Montana's Environmental Battle. Impact: The fluoride emissions from the Anaconda Aluminum Co. not only harmed trees but possibly inspired a generation of hipsters to start 'eco-friendly' campaigns, which mainly involved buying organic kale smoothies.. Fact: Fluoride is great for teeth but not so much for coniferous trees. Go figure..
• Headline: 2 T.V.A. Turbine Contracts Awarded to Brown Boveri. Impact: The awarding of these contracts may have led to future generations being powered by nuclear energy, which eventually sparked the age-old debate: is it safer to hug a tree or a nuclear plant?. Fact: Brown Boveri sounds like a character from a Victorian novel, but it's actually a company that builds turbines. Who knew engineering could be so literary?.
• Headline: Plan to Cut Welfare Rents Here Gains in Albany Vote. Impact: This plan likely set off a chain reaction of budget cuts that would eventually lead to 'creative' funding solutions like bake sales for public services. Thank you, Albany!. Fact: In New York, the phrase 'cutting welfare rents' can also be interpreted as 'we're all going to go on a diet.'.
• Headline: Scribner Orders School Aides To Give Complete Drug Reports. Impact: This directive may have inadvertently led to a nationwide trend of schoolchildren forming secret societies dedicated to avoiding drug reports, thus making them the coolest kids in school.. Fact: Complete drug reports in schools are about as welcome as a surprise pop quiz. Spoiler: nobody enjoys them..
• Headline: AT HOME ABROAD. Impact: This article likely contributed to the rise of British expatriates who now complain about missing their 'proper' tea while sipping overpriced lattes in foreign cafes.. Fact: Britain’s fear of losing its identity is almost as old as the country itself. Maybe they should have considered a rebranding campaign?.
• Headline: Chicago Banker in Belgrade. Impact: This banker’s comments about East-West trade liberalization may have led to the eventual rise of international trade conferences where everyone pretends to understand the jargon while secretly checking their emails.. Fact: Belgrade was once the capital of Yugoslavia, a country that had more internal conflicts than a family reunion..
• Headline: GOVERNOR, MAYOR TALK TO NO AVAIL. Impact: The failure of Rockefeller and Lindsay to reach an agreement likely inspired future politicians to perfect the art of talking a lot while accomplishing nothing—truly a timeless skill.. Fact: Intensive negotiations often lead to intensive coffee consumption, which is basically the fuel of political discussions..