MAY 11, 1971

Full News Archive

• Headline: Cultural Exchange: Japanese Businessmen in NYC. Impact: The Japanese businessmen's mingling with NYC culture led to the invention of sushi rolls that would eventually be mistaken for a trendy snack by hipsters everywhere, causing a global avocado shortage in the 21st century.. Fact: It's said that the only thing more confusing than NYC traffic is the concept of 'authentic' sushi in America. Good luck finding it!.
• Headline: Media Responsibility and Nixon's Leadership. Impact: Forkosch's warnings created a ripple effect that led to the rise of conspiracy theorists who now believe that the media is secretly run by lizard people, all because he thought Nixon was a tad too cozy with them.. Fact: Nixon once famously said, 'I am not a crook,' which is exactly what a crook would say—just saying..
• Headline: Neanderthal Burial Site Discovered in Lebanon. Impact: The discovery of the Neanderthal burial site opened the floodgates for various conspiracy theories about ancient civilizations, including the one where Neanderthals were actually the first to invent the concept of brunch.. Fact: Neanderthals had a flair for fashion too; they were the original trendsetters with their stylish stone tools..
• Headline: Hanoi Leader in Peking. Impact: Le Duan’s travels to Peking inspired an epic game of international telephone that miscommunicated the concept of peace talks into a worldwide game of charades involving millions of confused diplomats.. Fact: Le Duan's name translates to 'the leader who constantly has to explain himself'—a title many politicians would envy!.
• Headline: Chao Said to Offer Talks. Impact: Chou's negotiation offers sparked a series of diplomatic discussions that ultimately led to the invention of the Taiwanese bubble tea, which would later be mistaken for the next great diplomatic strategy.. Fact: Bubble tea: the only thing that has ever brought people together more effectively than actual peace talks..
• Headline: PRESIDENT FACING DECISION ON CHINA. Impact: Nixon's indecision over China led to endless debates in political science classes, resulting in more confusion over the concept of '2 Chinas' than there is over the number of toppings on a pizza.. Fact: If only Nixon had known, he could have just negotiated a pizza treaty instead and saved us all a lot of trouble..
• Headline: Watson Pleads Insanity In Sharon Tate Murders. Impact: Watson's plea of insanity set a precedent that eventually led to an entire genre of true crime podcasts, where everyone suddenly became an armchair detective, despite not having a clue what they're talking about.. Fact: The only thing crazier than the Manson family is how many people still think they could have solved the case if they'd just been there..
• Headline: Casey Tells House Group Of Plan to Beef Up S.E.C.. Impact: Casey's efforts to strengthen the SEC inadvertently led to a massive increase in 'hot stock tips' from unqualified sources, resulting in more financial advice coming from TikTok than from certified professionals.. Fact: The SEC: protecting the public from bad investments since... well, let’s just say they’re still working on it..