APRIL 14, 1971

Full News Archive

• Headline: General Fireproofing Co. Court Appeal Announcement. Impact: If General Fireproofing Co. wins its appeal, it could lead to a fireproofing revolution that saves millions from fiery doom. Or, you know, just more legal battles and paperwork.. Fact: Did you know that 'fireproof' is actually just a strong suggestion? Just like when your friend says, 'I’ll pay you back next week.'.
• Headline: Nixon Administration's Steel Wage Concerns. Impact: Nixon's opposition to steel wage increases might have led to a shortage of steelworkers, causing a nationwide increase in DIY projects. Thank you, Nixon, for turning us all into amateur carpenters.. Fact: Fun fact: 'Inflation' is just a fancy term for 'let's make everything more expensive and see who can survive.'.
• Headline: Warm Welcome for British Table Tennis Team. Impact: The welcoming ceremony for the British table tennis team could have inadvertently sparked a global ping-pong craze, leading to the establishment of underground table tennis gambling rings worldwide. Thanks, China!. Fact: Did you know that table tennis is a sport where you can have fun while pretending to be a ninja? Just with way less danger..
• Headline: COMPROMISE NEAR ON CAMPAIGN CURB. Impact: This compromise on campaign spending likely led to a future where political ads became even more insufferable, with candidates having to get more creative in their quests for your attention. Thanks, compromise!. Fact: Did you know that $20 million for a political campaign is just enough to buy a small island? Not that they would, but imagine the debates held on a beach..
• Headline: Boston Pops to Receive Peabody for Public TV. Impact: The Boston Pops receiving a Peabody Award could have sparked a chain reaction, leading to an explosion of orchestras on television. Next thing you know, reality shows about orchestras would be all the rage.. Fact: Did you know that 'Pops' is just a fancy way of saying 'Let’s make classical music less stuffy and more fun'? Because who doesn't love a good tuba solo?.
• Headline: G.O.P. GROUP PLANS ANTI‐NIXON MEETING. Impact: This anti-Nixon meeting might have inadvertently inspired future generations of politicians to embrace their inner rebels, potentially leading to a series of 'Against the Establishment' youth movements. Because nothing says 'cool' like dissent.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'insurgency' is just a polite way of saying 'let’s stir the pot and see what happens'?.
• Headline: Chevrolet Recalls 1,700 Cars. Impact: The recall of 1,700 Chevrolets for brake defects might have caused a nationwide panic, leading to a surge in public transportation use. So, thank you, Chevrolet, for making us all consider buses.. Fact: Did you know that a car recall is basically a brand's way of saying, 'Oops, our bad!'? It's like when you accidentally text the wrong person but multiplied by 1,700..
• Headline: Embryos of Mice Are Developed To Heart‐Beating Stage in Lab. Impact: Developing mouse embryos to the heart-beating stage could have inadvertently paved the way for mad scientists everywhere to think they could play god. Who knew lab mice were the gatekeepers to human cloning?. Fact: Did you know that growing mouse embryos is basically the science equivalent of baking cookies? Just way more complicated and less delicious..
• Headline: India Studies Statement. Impact: India's contemplation of Chou's statement may have had far-reaching effects on diplomatic relations, leading to a centuries-long debate over who gets the last samosa at international summits.. Fact: Did you know that studying statements is just a fancy way of saying, 'Let’s pretend we know what we’re doing while we actually figure it out'?.