APRIL 7, 1971

Full News Archive

• Headline: Hartke Advocates U.S. Withdrawal by 1972. Impact: If Sen Hartke had actually pulled out the troops, the U.S. might have avoided a generation of disco music created by traumatized veterans trying to dance away their PTSD. Who knew the ‘70s had such a heavy price tag?. Fact: Did you know that the only thing harder to find than a good peace agreement is a politician admitting they were wrong?.
• Headline: DA Probes Misuse of Union Funds. Impact: This investigation might have inadvertently led to the establishment of every conspiracy theory known to man. 'But what if DeLury was actually a secret agent?' Welcome to the rabbit hole.. Fact: Did you know that misusing union funds is basically the modern-day version of taking candy from a baby? Just way less cute..
• Headline: Vietnamization and Pacification in Vietnam. Impact: This pacification plan may have inspired future generations to believe that adding '-ization' to the end of words is a magical way to solve problems. Spoiler alert: it's not.. Fact: Did you know that 'Vietnamization' sounds suspiciously like a trendy new diet plan? 'Lose weight while fighting a war!'.
• Headline: HENDERSON SAYS CASE IS TAINTED. Impact: If Henderson's case had gone differently, we might have seen a slew of military lawyers specializing in 'how to avoid war crime charges.' Call it a gold rush for legal eagles.. Fact: Did you know that Mylai has become synonymous with military cover-ups? It's the ultimate trust fall gone wrong..
• Headline: No Complaints to Leaders. Impact: This lack of complaints might have led to the FBI thinking they were invincible. Spoiler: they weren't. They just didn't know how to pick a lock.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'no news is good news' was probably coined by politicians trying to avoid the FBI's attention?.
• Headline: ‘War Crimes’ Testimony. Impact: The testimony from these soldiers could have sparked a chain reaction leading to countless 'I was there' stories, turning every bar into a war zone of bragging rights.. Fact: Did you know that war crimes confessions are like bad stand-up comedy? They often bomb and leave everyone uncomfortable..
• Headline: 3 Radicals Appear Victors In Berkeley City Election. Impact: The Berkeley election might have inspired future radicals to run for office. Who knows? We could have had a mayor named 'Revolution' by now.. Fact: Did you know that winning an election with a radical agenda is like winning a game of Monopoly? Everyone’s happy until you start collecting rent..
• Headline: Communal Group. Quits Its Farm in Tennessee. Impact: This group's departure could lead to the rise of hipster farming in urban areas. Next thing you know, everyone wants to start a commune in Brooklyn.. Fact: Did you know that abandoning a farm is like breaking up with your girlfriend? You just really hope she finds someone who can handle her commitment issues..
• Headline: KOSYGIN PROPOSES ALL‐EUROPE GRID. Impact: Kosygin's proposal might have inadvertently caused the EEC to finally come up with a decent marketing strategy. 'We're not just a bunch of countries; we’re a political entity!'. Fact: Did you know that when countries throw shade at each other, it’s usually over something as trivial as not getting invited to the right parties?.