MARCH 31, 1971

Full News Archive

• Headline: Russian Proposal Promotes Biological Arms Ban. Impact: The ban on biological arms set the stage for future global disarmament treaties, leading to the invention of the highly effective non-lethal 'peaceful protest' weapon—a foam finger that only annoys.. Fact: Did you know that biological arms are like a bad haircut? Once you realize you've made a mistake, it's too late to fix it!.
• Headline: Economic Analysis of Money and Credit. Impact: This economic analysis inadvertently led to a nationwide obsession with avocado toast, as consumers shifted demand to 'real goods' that ultimately didn't sustain their finances.. Fact: Fun fact: Economists can predict the economy better than they can predict which way the wind will blow on a Sunday afternoon..
• Headline: Gas Company Strike Averted with New Contracts. Impact: By averting the gas company strike, workers unknowingly paved the way for future labor negotiations that would eventually lead to the rise of the latte-sipping, avocado-loving millennial worker.. Fact: Did you know that a 10% wage increase back then could buy you a whole new car? Now, it might just cover a week's worth of groceries!.
• Headline: Text of Draft Convention Proposed at Geneva Talks. Impact: The Geneva talks set off a chain reaction that led to countless awkward diplomatic dinners where no one could agree on whether or not to serve Brussels sprouts.. Fact: Did you know that drafting conventions is a lot like writing a will? Everyone wants to make sure they get their piece, but nobody really wants to talk about it..
• Headline: Budget Vote Roundup Starts in Albany. Impact: The Albany budget vote debacle sparked a new era of political maneuvering, leading to the invention of 'political yoga'—bending over backwards to get votes.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing less stable than a budget vote is the reputation of the politicians involved. Spoiler alert: It’s not very stable..
• Headline: Man in the News. Impact: This 'Man in the News' segment inadvertently inspired a generation of journalists to believe that their opinions were more important than actual news.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'man in the news' is code for 'someone with a good PR team'?.
• Headline: U.S. Is Cool to Brezhnev's Call For a 5‐Power Nuclear Parley. Impact: The U.S. cooling to Brezhnev's call for a nuclear parley set the stage for decades of political chess, ultimately leading to the invention of the game 'Diplomacy'—where everyone backstabs everyone else.. Fact: Did you know that the Mediterranean Sea is often called the 'sea of peace'? Just like how we call a toddler's tantrum a 'moment of self-expression.'.